Self Forgiveness

Is self forgiveness just another form of self indulgence? Or is self forgiveness the best healing strategy for both those we love and ourselves? Many who have tried, come to the uncomfortable realization that self forgiveness can be as or sometimes even more challenging than forgiving another person. When we contemplate self forgiveness we can get snagged up on all sorts of warring emotions that block our ability to release ourselves from the grip of our own self loathing. Why do I deserve self forgiveness? Shouldn’t I be punished for what I have done? Am I just letting myself off the hook if I forgive myself? Am I condoning my own lousy behavior? Will I just go out and do this bad thing again and again if I   embrace an attitude of self forgiveness too easily or quickly? Will others think I am not holding myself accountable if I act as if I deserve self forgiveness even if I have done things to be ashamed of and should be held accountable for? Does self forgiveness mean that I no longer hold myself accountable?

Hair shirts and whips didn’t come out of nowhere, they were man’s way of punishing the self in order to deserve forgiveness. But in the absence of concrete rituals of self punishment, are we just driving our contempt further into our unconscious with all of this punishing self talk? After all, it’s probably true that sincere penance is what underlies any form of self forgiveness that really works. Without it, we really are using self forgiveness to let ourselves off the hook too easily and may be  avoiding doing the personal self reflection that could keep us from causing hurt and harm over and over again.

Is it the spiritual person who has the wisdom to forgive themselves understanding that restoring inner peace will do more to keep them from acting in harmful ways than holding onto guilt and shame? Or is it the shallow person who doesn’t really penetrate the surface, who denies the impact that their own behavior is having on others and deludes themselves into thinking that they are somehow more entitled to self forgiveness than the other guy? Or both?

When are we acting out of wisdom and when are we acting out of our own need to minimize our negative behavior when it comes to self forgiveness? These are the kinds of questions that those who enter the recovery process sincerely ask themselves and even agonize over. But it’s in that very agony that the release sometimes comes, sometimes that agony is our hair shirt. This grappling with our own behavior in a deep and real way that is messy and painful, may be just what eventually leads us to the realization that we cannot really hate another person without hating ourselves…..and that we cannot really love another person with our loving ourselves, and that if we forgive ourselves we will be less likely to pass on the secondary pain of self loathing to those we love.

Self forgiveness then, if accompanied by meaningful changes in thinking, feeling and behavior can be liberating for both ourselves and those we’re close to. If our self forgiveness is undertaken with wisdom and commitment to improvements in our own behavior it can be an important step toward positive and long lasting change in our lives and relationships.

Tian Dayton PhD author of Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance, The Magic of Forgiveness and Forgiving and Moving On - you can visit her listing in the New York section of our Treatment Directory