I have played all of the roles of a child from a dysfunctional home at one time or another in my lifetime, but the most convenient for me as a child was that of "hero child." Here is the kind of bargaining that I did in my mind. Everything will be OK if I just:

...be "all everything" at school

...get good grades

...make first chair

...keep the yard clean

...literally "perform" for visitors to our home

...be the responsible one with the kids on the block

...keep my little brother "in line."

   But even if you follow all of these "rules," you as the hero child are doomed to perpetual disappointment. Here is what really happens;

...no matter how high the levels of achievement, it is never quite "good enough."      After years of struggling to be the good child, the other members of the family take your good performance for granted.

... Parents reward the "bad" scapegoat kid with their attention.

...little brothers and sisters still misbehave.

...the grownups are still sick with various forms of addiction

...other kids isolate the hero child with ridicule, labeling him the "goody two shoes"

So here is the point; if you were raised this way, you may be a highly successful person as an adult, but you are still carrying around a load of resentment and frustration. Get to an Al-Anon, ACOA, or Nar-A-Non meeting, work these steps with a good sponsor, and get out from under that load!

God loves you, and so do I.

Ken P.

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Adult Rehab Program, The Salvation Army.
written by Ken P., October 10, 2007

Dear Bob,

Beautiful writing. None of us have any idea who will read your wise words, but God will use them for many others.

My son was spared so much after "graduating" from a 6-month program sponsored by The Salvation Army. This was an adult rehab program that was free to him, except he worked in one of their shops repairing bicycles and eventually went out on the truck to pick up donations. He has 11 years of sobriety now, and is still an active member of NA.

There is still so much hope!

Ken P.

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