For alcoholic women there is usually one primary enabler.  This is typically a high functioning husband, a wealthy father, or a boss who spreads the work the alcoholic doesn't do among many other workers. In time these dysfunctional enablers are sucked into the alcoholism vortex because alcoholism is a disease that is progressive. It creeps into systems slowly over many years. As the alcoholic gradually declines in functional capacity others, in terribly subtle ways, take up the slack.

   Maybe in the early days the drunk or hung over wife's husband will cover for her by doing routine chores. He prepares more meals, washes more clothes, or stands in as the only parent during back-to-school night. Here is the husband taking his kids to the pediatrician, or playing with them at the park while mom is at home throwing up, or, less dramatically, she's "...just too tired." These are what my sons and I used to call "one of those Saturdays."

Those Saturdays start like this.

"You guys just go ahead and go. I have to stay home with this headache."

   The reasons for the headache are as diverse as the alcoholic's imagination, but whenever she manages to shift her guilt to anybody else (usually her husband and/or kids), she makes them responsible instead of her alcoholism. And they all accept the terms!

   The husband hears her bad mood like this;

"She is mad at me because of the fight we had last night when I said that awful thing about her mother."

   The oldest daughter, who is probably in the super-enabler role, might interpret this as;

"Mom is upset this morning because I didn't do enough of the housework yesterday."

   Little brother, who might be in the disappearing child or mascot role might translate;

"Mommy is mad because I wet the bed again last night and she has to stay home to wash the sheets."

   The important truth that they all must ignore is that none of their guilt-ridden reasons apply. Their mother and wife has gone months now without feeling good. She hurts inside...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She lives in a world parallel to that of her husband, where the single goal each moment is to minimize pain. But for her part,  she has the added burden of minimizing the pain while planning every event to coincide with her need for the security she knows only the bottle can provide.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so GET SOME HELP!

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out www.al-anonalateen.org

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