By Rev. Ned Wicker,

http://Drug-Addiction-Support.org 

The group session on spirituality was just wrapping up when one of the staffers opened the door and asked "Are you almost finished?" For Janice, one of four women in the group, it was time to go home. She had finished a five-day stay at the residential drug and alcohol treatment center, and this day, as she put it, was "graduation day."

It was a strange, almost surreal moment. After a stay in the hospital or treatment center, it should be good to go home and be with your. People, given they are medically stable and out of danger, heel better at home. Going home should be a good move. But was it?

Out in the lobby, her husband and pre-teen son waited. Now if my wife had been in treatment and was getting to go back home, I'd be excited. A big part of my life would have been missing, but in his case, the expression on his face told the whole story. Words can't express the look. "OK, it's time to take the addict home." The son sat in a chair, head down, and when his mother came out, he didn't seem at all enthusiastic about seeing her. In a moment, the family situation became very clear.

Drug addiction tears up families, as those watching their loved one struggle with the disease will bear the emotional scars long after the addiction is under control. What might have been concern for the addict at one point in time sadly can turn to anger and resentment. It's a kind of "Look what you've done to us" mentality and nobody has to say anything. You can read it immediately. The family goes down the addiction path too, playing their roles. Organizations like Nar-Anon and Al-Anon/Alateen are there just for families. Just as the 12-Steps were created by addicts for addicts, those principles were the basis for family groups. And just like the addict, the family member is not alone. There is help and support.

Janice gathered up her things. There was a short re-uniting in the lobby as she signed out. The moment was not joyous, no kisses, no "I love you" and it was like the husband was picking her up from work. His look told the whole story. She was leaving the structure and security of the treatment center and going back into the environment she was in while using. "Graduation Day" should be celebratory, but something was missing.

In treatment, Janice received compassion and understanding from the other patients. In group it is obvious that they all can relate to each other. There is human connection on a surprisingly deep level, even though the people in treatment may only see each other for a few days. That was going to be missing. Perhaps she had resources lined up and could call on them at a moment's notice. My sense was she did not. Graduation day didn't look so good.

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2. I need to stop viewing myself as a bad person trying to be good, and recognize that I am in reality a sick person trying to get well.

3. Fear is projecting within my own mind the bad things that I think may happen. This is not necessarily the truth. This is very probably NOT the way things really are!

4. I need to especially be on guard for the old sick methods so deeply engrained in me by other not-well people that allow me to continue self destructive ways. Rationalizations such as "...everybody does that," or "...I was just trying to be helpful," or "but I always had only the best of intentions" are no longer valid.

5. Our flaws did not come because of the addict. We already had those flaws long before we even met the addict.

6. We must discard the position that how we look when we suit up has any importance. What is important is that we suit up and show up...physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a private process. It is between you, a single trusted other human being, and God.

7. Your personal inventory absolutely must be balanced between your weaknesses and you strengths. When you have been hurt a lot because you have gone too far in tolerating unacceptable behavior, you can pass an invisible line where you no longer have self respect. When businesses do inventories, the debts and liabilities portion is not the major focus. You have stock, credits receivable, reputation, and worth beyond what you know at this moment. In AA parlance,

"God don't make no junk!"

Find an Al-Anon meeting at 1-888-4-AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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   Unfortunately, addiction is progressive. That is, it starts at a seemingly innocent level and then slowly grows until it takes the addicted person's everything, including their body, mind, soul, bank account, relationships, career...and respect. Psychologists studying the members of families suffering from addiction cannot pinpoint the exact point when true respect is replaced by false bluster, but they know that it eventually happens. The addicted person has to become a bully because he or she senses the loss of their genuine respect from others (and even themselves) in time to their disease. Unfortunately, the other members of the family, being human beings themselves, respond to the abusive bluster in various predictable ways. 

   A common response for a man is to answer in kind. How many times have I encountered terribly successful men in their careers who go home and react like irresponsible teenaged boys when forced to interact with an abusive addicted teenaged child or wife? He may be the beloved senior manager at the office, but, like Rodney Dangerfield, he "gets no respect" at home! The children witness the disrespect shown by the addicted wife, for example, and then they begin losing respect for both parents. In order to survive, since loud profane abusive behavior seems to work so well for the parents, the children sometimes join in the fray.  At this point, the family members are no longer members of a family. They each devolve into an individual organism trying his or her best to survive in a threatening environment.

   We have many tools to reverse this downward spiral, but none of us is strong enough to reverse what took years to develop. We need the daily support of others who have experienced recovery. For me, as a corporate man who lived out this whole scenario, it took many meetings and sponsors, but by the grace of God I was healed by those tools and the Al-Anons who taught me how to use them.

 If those of you reading this can relate, or know of a family with an addiction in their home where this process is taking place, please direct them to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for help. It is available every day at meeting throughout the world!

Al-Anon is at 1-888-4Al-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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