We have all heard that liars figure and figures lie, but when we started delving deeply into the data about women and alcoholism we found many figures that just didn't...well...figure!

   For example, when it comes to DUI's (or DWI's) the number of arrests never matches any data on the incidence of alcoholism among women as compared to men. The trends are certainly there;  in 1977 only 8% of DUI's were for women, and by 2007 that percentage had doubled to 15%.  But that still means that there are 85 DUI arrests for men for every 15 for women in a culture whose youngest generation (the ones proven to do most of the drinking) have a higher usage rate for alcohol among females than among males! We started digging to find out how this could happen.

   Here is what we found. The difference is not truly in the number of women who are stopped who could be arrested for DUI. The difference lies in factors involving the policeman making the decision about whether to arrest or not, and his personal biases!

   A study by the National Highway and Safety Administration (US DOT Report H5-801-230) shows clearly the real factors involved in Officer O'malley's decisions. Decisions like, does he put the cuffs on Grandma? How about that cute YUPPY on her way back from Happy Hour to her condo?

Here's the first quote from the DOT study.

   "The officer's personal use of alcohol is inversely related to his level of alcohol-related enforcement. Patrolmen who drink make significantly fewer arrests than those who do not, and those who drink frequently make significantly fewer arrests than those who use alcohol only occasionally."

 This says that all of us have a better chance of "skating" when stopped drunk if the officer himself is a drinker!

The study elaborates concerning women. It points out that most officers are male, and that they tend to decide not to arrest anybody who is less aggressive, also anybody who looks, acts, sounds, and smells like their wife, mother, grandmother, sister, or the girl next door!

Looking deeper into the stone, what is the most dangerous result of women not receiving the DUI's they clearly earn? It is this; dui's are red flags that alcoholism is a problem. Women, because they donnot receive them, are allowed to progress deeper into the disease of alcoholism before they show up on society's radar screen.

In future posts we will show the same denial among other professionals such as physicians, clergymen, judges and attorneys. When are we all going to stop denying and admit that our women are right now...in this generation...more often alcoholics and addicts than in any other gereration in the past? Put another way, do you really believe that the latest starlet with this problem is an exception?

 If you are a man living in denial about the alcoholism and/or addiction in a woman in your life, please get help. Call Al-Anon, a support group for family members of alcoholics at 1-888-4AL-ANON or visit www.al-anon.alateen.org right now!

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Yes, it all fits. He is spending time away from both his family and his work during evenings, and when she learns that these meetings are mostly attended by lonely women, there is this gigantic "aha."

If there are no men-only meetings in the area, then a desperate Al-Anon man is forced to attend meetings made up mostly of women.

Somewhere deep inside she knows that neither she nor her husband have been capable of providing either the emotional or physical intimacy that they had before the disease progressed. He must be getting that elsewhere.

I remember one of those early-in-my-recovery Friday night meetings that ended in one of the worst battles we ever had over "my program."

After the meeting there was a tradition that those who didn't want the meeting to end would drive across the freeway to a Denny's for coffee. I had never attended one of these social meetings, but on this particular night I was invited.

I remember standing right outside the door of the meeting room in the parking lot talking to a small group of ladies the moment I was invited to join them. I gladly accepted, much preferring to continue interacting with healthy sober people...women or not, to what I knew by 9:15 would be a wife with four or five hours of cheap wine under her belt.

Unfortunately, the ladies all piled into their cars and left me alone with this newcomer. This lady proceeded to tell me that her alcoholic husband was not only violent, but insanely jealous! I remember imagining him sitting in the darkness across the street looking through a high-powered rife scope sight at the area just between my shoulder blades.

I still had those serious doubts about my masculinity that every male Al-Anon has in the early days of recovery, and I was wondering to myself what James Bond would do in this situation?  I decided that James Bond would calmly invite the newcomer to ride with him to Denny's. So that is exactly what I did.

But the eyes that I felt between my shoulder blades were not those of a jealous husband. They were those of two women. One was my wife, the other our neighbor, Evelyn Meyer, whom Deb had asked for a ride to the hospital. She had told Evelyn the whole sad tale. She suspected that her husband was having an affair with another woman, and that they had been meeting on Friday nights at a nearby hospital.

To make matters worse, I remember the newcomer doing some crying.

When I finally came home that night I walked in the front door to the words "...I SAW YOU! I SAW YOU drive away with that woman, and Evelyn is my witness! This went on, again, deep into the night. I remember thinking myself really clever at one point when I told her "...yes, yes, I am in love with that woman. I'm in love with her and with every other woman in there!

I'm in love with Betty, and Mary, and Gladys, and Pat. I love them all!

This "affair," which almost every alcoholic wife imagines, allows her to shift the shame from her disease to her husband. Tragically, sometimes what she suspects is true, but often, as it was in this situation, her accusations are just another flavor of her bluster. The most tragic outcome happens when she manages to threaten and bully him into abandoning his recovery process. That outcome perpetuates the disease in the family and dooms them all to continue downward in their elevator.

If this sounds familiar, call to find a meeting where you can start your own recovery process. Al-Anon people will help at 1-888-4-Al-ANON or check out www.al-anon.alateen.org

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But still, there has to be another, successful way to be in recovery without the religion or the 12-step.  There are addiction treatment centers that offer treatment methods as an alternative to the 12-step, so there's got to be aftercare adopting a similar philosophy.  I think any way that paves the path to recovery is awsome and should be embraced, but it's curious to me why I never hear about any alternative measures to recovery.

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You meet a close friend in The Program later and share intellectual, political, and spiritual insights...or maybe you talk about last nights game. You know his whole life story and he knows yours. There is mutual respect and trust. You have each told the other personal aspects of your being that not one man in one thousand would share with another.

Now you go to a noon Al-Anon meeting at the church, where four women and two men hug you warmly just because you are you. All six tell you with their eyes and one with words that they love you, and they really mean it when they tell you how great it is to see you.

You leave the meeting so relaxed...so fulfilled. So much was said by so many on such a deep level that there is a great deal to ponder during your drive home.

You know that your life belongs to God, to yourself, and to many others. You know that it is going to be a long and interesting one. You have grown spiritually so that you realize that you have many terribly important purposes. You also know that you are capable of completing them, and that you are not alone. You have a supporting family, a Program family, close friends, and a loving God to cheer you throughout the process.

Get the picture? That is how I started my day yesterday. It was a Tuesday.

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   Passing judgment is heavy, whether we are condemning somebody else or ourselves. The internal beating that we give ourselves for who we are is called shame and the internal beating for our behavior is called guilt. Large books have been written on both of these subjects, and none of the authors have anything good to say about either.

   Faith is light, worry is heavy. At one time I rationalized worry about a given topic as "thinking it through." The program has taught me the difference. If I consider many options, reason it out with other trusted people, and then make a decision, that is thinking it through. If I pass the same vexing thoughts around and around tightly in my own head, exaggerate negative outcomes into future catastrophes, and keep my thoughts a secret, then that is worry.

   Let's move from spontaneous laughter to the broader subject...happiness. I once saw a carved sign in a gift shop in Bandera Texas that read

"...if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

If Momma doses herself with a powerful known depressant like alcohol every few hours throughout the day and night for years, ain't nobody happy either! Codependent family members face the almost dauntingly impossible task of proving the wisdom of that sign wrong. For example, I had to learn through recovery that I could laugh out loud while looking into the sullen bloated face of an angry inebriated wife. I had to learn that I could still enjoy hot apple pie with cheese and a strong cup of coffee while she glared at me across the table. These things were not easy, but after investing time and energy in learning detachment I could do it!

LEARN DETACHMENT...BE HAPPY! Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. Call 1888-4-AL-ANON or check out www.al-anon.alateen.org

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   Addiction suppresses laughter because it renders us heavy and dark inside. There is not space in a mind that is full of worry, fear, doubt, anger and every imaginable projection about what might happen next for lightness of spirit.

   Complexity is heavy, simplicity is light. Our slogan "keep it simple" is profound. Before recovery, when I had a conversation with somebody and the conversation left me going away confused, I assumed that they were just more intelligent than I. That often led to poor self-talk. Through the program, I have learned that confusion is an elevated state of consciousness. Confusion teaches me. If the confusion is truly a lack of understanding, then it can lead to growth. It means that I am still teachable. It means that I am still a work in progress, and that I have a personal challenge to rise to some deeper level of understanding of a subject.

   I have also learned that complexity sometimes comes because the other individual wants it that way. Confusion can also be an internal barometer to identify manipulation or guile in another. I like being around people who are direct. People who are direct never leave you wondering about where you stand with them. People who are indirect are what I call high maintenance friends. They require a great deal of energy and focus from me. They have gotten so adept at manipulating others into giving that to them that they do it even while you are aware that they are doing it! People who are deliberately complicated may have underlying messages such as "I am smarter than you are," or "I want you to feel sorry for my situation."

The next two posts will flesh out this laughter question, but for now just know that it is OK to laugh...like CRAZY...whenevr you want to do so, and no matter what anybody else might think!

If you need to return to your childhood self who could just let go of everything and laugh, maybe you can get there through recovery with the help of Al-Anon. Just call 1-8884-AL-ANON or check out www.al-anon.alateen.org for the nearest meeting in your town.

Ken P.

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   Recent figures show that 40% of those who walk into an Al-Anon meeting, however, never return. There are multiple explanantions for this, but a common one is that, though ours is a simple program, it is far from an easy one. Spiritual growth only comes after an investment of a great deal in meetings, honest introspection, release of ego, etc., and few are willing to pay that price.

   This is why I am writing this post this afternoon. The following list is only partial. It does not include the usual payoffs that most of us think we want (like money, prestige, praise, power, or even self esteem). These payoffs are deeper, more lasting, and much more fulfilling. If you are willing to pay the price, these can someday be yours. For those of us who have paid it, we would not trade any of the usual earthly rewards for them. After experiencing something like real serenity, everything else just pales by comparison.

Here they are:

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7. A loss of ability to worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

10. A loss of interest in judging others.

11. A loss of interest in judging self.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

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1 Samuel 18:1, 3-4

Question; is it possible for men to have real friendships with other men in today's culture? The answer we have learned through years of attending men's Al-Anon meetings is YES! It is not only possible, it is terribly important that we do so.

Why? Because there are issues, conflicts, struggles, and worries that men share. These are issues many women have a great deal of difficulty understanding. It is important that men come together in groups...twos, threes, fours, or 25's. In these groups they learn, working within the structure of the 12-steps and the principles of the Al-Anon recovery program, that there are other men who are comfortable enough within themselves to speak openly about topics that the newcomer has not even been able to dredge up into his own consciousness!

First, in the example above taken from the Old Testament, the distinction was made that Jonathan was the king's son. That implies that Jonathan was much younger, and therefore probably one of David's contemporaries. They immediately had that in common. Our studies of our own Monday Night Men's Group, which has a roster of over 60 men who have attended meetings regularly over the past 12 months, indicate that there is some validity to this commonality among men within similar age groups. The youngest of our group are always in their early 30's, and usually have fathers who are their "qualifiers." The oldest, in their 70's, usually have son's who are their qualifiers. In the middle, the men from 35-55, usually have a wife who is their qualifier. But the disease of addiction transcends the boundaries created by the classic "generation gap." Regardless of age, we watch in awe as the 70 year-old retired coach with the addicted son relates to the 32-year old sociology teacher with the addicted father!

Next, notice what Jonathan willingly gave to David to seal their friendship. First, he gave his robe...his outermost covering. Then he even gave his tunic! Jonathan physically and metaphorically made himself naked in front of David. He said in effect, "I trust you enough to expose myself without modesty to you."

I can tell you that witnessing a CEO trying in an open meeting among over 20 men through halting sentences to describe how he felt when he had to go through the sadness, embarrassment and shame of visiting his only son at the county jail last Saturday night was just like that. It was dead quiet in that Community Center meeting room with the shades closed (our group years ago bought the shades and donated them to the center to protect our anonymity). The man finally surrendered to his feelings and wept. The acceptance, caring, and just pure agape love that poured forth from the men who spoke after this scion of industry showed how devastating his son's alcoholism had been to him was palpable.

Next, Jonathan handed over his sword, bow, and belt. That meant to me that Jonathan gave up his offense. He handed over all of his protection. He stripped himself of both his means of offense and defense. For a Jewish man of Old Testament times, to surrender these items was the ultimate trust. When our CEO friend wept he removed his front. His pride, his bluster, his manliness, all of that which was so important, to anyone, but especially to a successful corporate man, was surrendered...publicly.

There is another quote I want to use now, this one from Proverbs, 27:17.

"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."

Reduced by this disease to your core, you are now "teachable." Letting go of the feelings after genuinely feeling them is only the beginning. Our dear CEO can now attend our meeting for as long as he wishes, trusting and exposing him every week while witnessing other men doing the same thing. Some day he can develop enough trust to approach a man to whom he can relate, and ask him to be his sponsor. The man he approaches may be an auto mechanic, a janitor, or an airline pilot. It makes no difference to either one of them. They are men who have learned to trust other men, and now the mechanic will serve as the iron that sharpens the CEO.

If you can use this kind of support every week, PLEASE...contact Al-Anon and find out where there is a meeting near you. You can locate a meeting at www.al-anon.alateen.org or by calling 1-888-4AL-ANON

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2. I need to stop viewing myself as a bad person trying to be good, and recognize that I am in reality a sick person trying to get well.

3. Fear is projecting within my own mind the bad things that I think may happen. This is not necessarily the truth. This is very probably NOT the way things really are!

4. I need to especially be on guard for the old sick methods so deeply engrained in me by other not-well people that allow me to continue self destructive ways. Rationalizations such as "...everybody does that," or "...I was just trying to be helpful," or "but I always had only the best of intentions" are no longer valid.

5. Our flaws did not come because of the addict. We already had those flaws long before we even met the addict.

6. We must discard the position that how we look when we suit up has any importance. What is important is that we suit up and show up...physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a private process. It is between you, a single trusted other human being, and God.

7. Your personal inventory absolutely must be balanced between your weaknesses and you strengths. When you have been hurt a lot because you have gone too far in tolerating unacceptable behavior, you can pass an invisible line where you no longer have self respect. When businesses do inventories, the debts and liabilities portion is not the major focus. You have stock, credits receivable, reputation, and worth beyond what you know at this moment. In AA parlance,

"God don't make no junk!"

Find an Al-Anon meeting at 1-888-4-AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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   Maybe in the early days the drunk or hung over wife's husband will cover for her by doing routine chores. He prepares more meals, washes more clothes, or stands in as the only parent during back-to-school night. Here is the husband taking his kids to the pediatrician, or playing with them at the park while mom is at home throwing up, or, less dramatically, she's "...just too tired." These are what my sons and I used to call "one of those Saturdays."

Those Saturdays start like this.

"You guys just go ahead and go. I have to stay home with this headache."

   The reasons for the headache are as diverse as the alcoholic's imagination, but whenever she manages to shift her guilt to anybody else (usually her husband and/or kids), she makes them responsible instead of her alcoholism. And they all accept the terms!

   The husband hears her bad mood like this;

"She is mad at me because of the fight we had last night when I said that awful thing about her mother."

   The oldest daughter, who is probably in the super-enabler role, might interpret this as;

"Mom is upset this morning because I didn't do enough of the housework yesterday."

   Little brother, who might be in the disappearing child or mascot role might translate;

"Mommy is mad because I wet the bed again last night and she has to stay home to wash the sheets."

   The important truth that they all must ignore is that none of their guilt-ridden reasons apply. Their mother and wife has gone months now without feeling good. She hurts inside...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She lives in a world parallel to that of her husband, where the single goal each moment is to minimize pain. But for her part,  she has the added burden of minimizing the pain while planning every event to coincide with her need for the security she knows only the bottle can provide.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so GET SOME HELP!

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out www.al-anonalateen.org

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