Every addict and/or alcoholic wakes up every morning with this bag of pain hanging over his or her heart by a rope that is so tight that it only allows the sufferrer to take short shallow breaths. This pain is a 'mixed bag of goodies, but unlike a pinata that yields treats when it is broken, this one just sort of exudes misery like a foul vapor up into the nostrils. 

Through the years the addict has, through trial and error, found ways to loosen the rope, and sometimes to even take the bag off and hang it around the neck of anybody nearby. This is why it is so hard to be around addicts...they are constantly trying to shift their pain to you, and they have evolved amazingly clever and subtle ways to make this sick transfer.

 If you are in any level of proximity to an addict, keeping that bag of pain off of your own neck is impossible...at least without  help from others who have 'been there and understand. We Al-Anons, Nar-Anons, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are the others. We meet regularly and share our experience, strength, and hope. We spend hours discussing this subject, which we call DETACHMENT.

After many years of attending meetings, we have come to identify three distinct phases of detachment which are as follows: detachment with hatred, detachment with indifference, and detachment with love.

There is no shortcut through this process for somebody who has spent decades having the bag hung around their neck by another's disease. However, an important point that needs to be made here is this; even detachment with hatred is healthier for both the addict and the codependent than no detachment at all.

What am I saying here? I'm saying please;  reach out and ask for help from the rest of us. We are meeting every week in community centers, churches, coffee shops, libraries, homes, and sometimes just in a circle out under a big oak tree in the sun to help each other. Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or click on www.al-anon.alateen.org to find out when and where there is a meeting just for you!

 Ken P.

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We have all heard that liars figure and figures lie, but when we started delving deeply into the data about women and alcoholism we found many figures that just didn't...well...figure!

   For example, when it comes to DUI's (or DWI's) the number of arrests never matches any data on the incidence of alcoholism among women as compared to men. The trends are certainly there;  in 1977 only 8% of DUI's were for women, and by 2007 that percentage had doubled to 15%.  But that still means that there are 85 DUI arrests for men for every 15 for women in a culture whose youngest generation (the ones proven to do most of the drinking) have a higher usage rate for alcohol among females than among males! We started digging to find out how this could happen.

   Here is what we found. The difference is not truly in the number of women who are stopped who could be arrested for DUI. The difference lies in factors involving the policeman making the decision about whether to arrest or not, and his personal biases!

   A study by the National Highway and Safety Administration (US DOT Report H5-801-230) shows clearly the real factors involved in Officer O'malley's decisions. Decisions like, does he put the cuffs on Grandma? How about that cute YUPPY on her way back from Happy Hour to her condo?

Here's the first quote from the DOT study.

   "The officer's personal use of alcohol is inversely related to his level of alcohol-related enforcement. Patrolmen who drink make significantly fewer arrests than those who do not, and those who drink frequently make significantly fewer arrests than those who use alcohol only occasionally."

 This says that all of us have a better chance of "skating" when stopped drunk if the officer himself is a drinker!

The study elaborates concerning women. It points out that most officers are male, and that they tend to decide not to arrest anybody who is less aggressive, also anybody who looks, acts, sounds, and smells like their wife, mother, grandmother, sister, or the girl next door!

Looking deeper into the stone, what is the most dangerous result of women not receiving the DUI's they clearly earn? It is this; dui's are red flags that alcoholism is a problem. Women, because they donnot receive them, are allowed to progress deeper into the disease of alcoholism before they show up on society's radar screen.

In future posts we will show the same denial among other professionals such as physicians, clergymen, judges and attorneys. When are we all going to stop denying and admit that our women are right now...in this generation...more often alcoholics and addicts than in any other gereration in the past? Put another way, do you really believe that the latest starlet with this problem is an exception?

 If you are a man living in denial about the alcoholism and/or addiction in a woman in your life, please get help. Call Al-Anon, a support group for family members of alcoholics at 1-888-4AL-ANON or visit www.al-anon.alateen.org right now!

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My wife, (we'll call her Katy here) wrote her master's thesis on the subject of alcoholism among the elderly, and she identified this problem, especially for older women. For example, when an older woman "presents" to the physician with shaking hands, he diagnoses her with Parkinsonism. He is correct. Parkinsonism happens when the brain literally uses up all of the pleasure chemical, dopamine. Dopamine is nature's built-in morphine for pain relief, and we all need it occasionally. But decades of replacing dopamine with the other pain reliever (alcohol) can render a brain incapable of making its own pain reliever. From the physician's point of view, Parkinsonism is a lot more respectable as a diagnosis than "...sorry, looks like you are an old drunk."

To be fair to the physicians, the lady alcoholic is an expert at doctor shopping. She will haunt one physician's office after another until she receives an answer to her current medical problem, as long as that answer does not relate to her drinking.

One man I sponsored began laughing hysterically when I asked him how his alcoholic wife dealt with all of the medical problems she was experiencing while maintaining her denial about her alcoholism.

"Are you kidding, he said?" She has this favorite doctor now who tells her she has GAD."

When I asked him what that was, he said it meant "General Anxiety Disorder."

Wow! That is the perfect diagnosis for any alcoholic. Every one of them I ever met had general anxiety!

If you can relate to any of this, you probably need help. PLEASE!!! Call Al-Anon World Service Office to find a meeting near you at 1-888-4-AL-ANON or access www.al-anon.alateen.org

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our staff are active members of a 12 steps program ranging from 1-30 years of recovery, which are available 24 hours for the residents. And fully understand the needs of the individuals. Please feel free to contact us. We are available 24 hours a day.

thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day to read this letter. 

For more information please contact:

Dino (310) 901-6290     Email: dino_herrera@yahoo.com  

Mary Lou (310) 351-2757    Email:  memories727@yahoo.com

Fax (310) 397-4816

http://www.soberlivingla.net/

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You meet a close friend in The Program later and share intellectual, political, and spiritual insights...or maybe you talk about last nights game. You know his whole life story and he knows yours. There is mutual respect and trust. You have each told the other personal aspects of your being that not one man in one thousand would share with another.

Now you go to a noon Al-Anon meeting at the church, where four women and two men hug you warmly just because you are you. All six tell you with their eyes and one with words that they love you, and they really mean it when they tell you how great it is to see you.

You leave the meeting so relaxed...so fulfilled. So much was said by so many on such a deep level that there is a great deal to ponder during your drive home.

You know that your life belongs to God, to yourself, and to many others. You know that it is going to be a long and interesting one. You have grown spiritually so that you realize that you have many terribly important purposes. You also know that you are capable of completing them, and that you are not alone. You have a supporting family, a Program family, close friends, and a loving God to cheer you throughout the process.

Get the picture? That is how I started my day yesterday. It was a Tuesday.

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   God showed me this principle one Tuesday when I attended two Al-Anon meetings in one day. I slipped out of the Medical Center where I was working and attended a noon meeting at an Episcopal Church. It was a typical meeting for that day (the late 70's)...about 25 women and me.

   I shared during the meeting, and as we all walked across the parking lot to the Luby's cafeteria for lunch a woman made it a point to walk up beside me. She just sort of "lit into me" in an accusatory tone, but what she said was "...You're the only man I ever heard who made any sense. All other men just want one thing, and they are not even capable of thinking about anybody else."

   That night I met a man I was sponsoring, and he began right away unloading his own brand of disgust for the opposite sex. "Women only want two things from a man...a d&$%*@ and a meal ticket!"

   Since that Tuesday I have viewed alcoholism as a disease. It is a disease of all human beings, and neither sex has a monopoly on the misery.

Quote from Winston Churchill; "The battle between the sexes would be over and done-with, there would be a clear-cut winner and a clear-cut loser...if there were not so much fraternization between the enemies!"

If you need help with your "stinkin' thinkin' " of ANY kind, find the nearest Al-Anon support group to your home. You can get details easily by checking out www.al-anonalateen.org or calling 1-888-4AL-ANON.

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1 Samuel 18:1, 3-4

Question; is it possible for men to have real friendships with other men in today's culture? The answer we have learned through years of attending men's Al-Anon meetings is YES! It is not only possible, it is terribly important that we do so.

Why? Because there are issues, conflicts, struggles, and worries that men share. These are issues many women have a great deal of difficulty understanding. It is important that men come together in groups...twos, threes, fours, or 25's. In these groups they learn, working within the structure of the 12-steps and the principles of the Al-Anon recovery program, that there are other men who are comfortable enough within themselves to speak openly about topics that the newcomer has not even been able to dredge up into his own consciousness!

First, in the example above taken from the Old Testament, the distinction was made that Jonathan was the king's son. That implies that Jonathan was much younger, and therefore probably one of David's contemporaries. They immediately had that in common. Our studies of our own Monday Night Men's Group, which has a roster of over 60 men who have attended meetings regularly over the past 12 months, indicate that there is some validity to this commonality among men within similar age groups. The youngest of our group are always in their early 30's, and usually have fathers who are their "qualifiers." The oldest, in their 70's, usually have son's who are their qualifiers. In the middle, the men from 35-55, usually have a wife who is their qualifier. But the disease of addiction transcends the boundaries created by the classic "generation gap." Regardless of age, we watch in awe as the 70 year-old retired coach with the addicted son relates to the 32-year old sociology teacher with the addicted father!

Next, notice what Jonathan willingly gave to David to seal their friendship. First, he gave his robe...his outermost covering. Then he even gave his tunic! Jonathan physically and metaphorically made himself naked in front of David. He said in effect, "I trust you enough to expose myself without modesty to you."

I can tell you that witnessing a CEO trying in an open meeting among over 20 men through halting sentences to describe how he felt when he had to go through the sadness, embarrassment and shame of visiting his only son at the county jail last Saturday night was just like that. It was dead quiet in that Community Center meeting room with the shades closed (our group years ago bought the shades and donated them to the center to protect our anonymity). The man finally surrendered to his feelings and wept. The acceptance, caring, and just pure agape love that poured forth from the men who spoke after this scion of industry showed how devastating his son's alcoholism had been to him was palpable.

Next, Jonathan handed over his sword, bow, and belt. That meant to me that Jonathan gave up his offense. He handed over all of his protection. He stripped himself of both his means of offense and defense. For a Jewish man of Old Testament times, to surrender these items was the ultimate trust. When our CEO friend wept he removed his front. His pride, his bluster, his manliness, all of that which was so important, to anyone, but especially to a successful corporate man, was surrendered...publicly.

There is another quote I want to use now, this one from Proverbs, 27:17.

"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."

Reduced by this disease to your core, you are now "teachable." Letting go of the feelings after genuinely feeling them is only the beginning. Our dear CEO can now attend our meeting for as long as he wishes, trusting and exposing him every week while witnessing other men doing the same thing. Some day he can develop enough trust to approach a man to whom he can relate, and ask him to be his sponsor. The man he approaches may be an auto mechanic, a janitor, or an airline pilot. It makes no difference to either one of them. They are men who have learned to trust other men, and now the mechanic will serve as the iron that sharpens the CEO.

If you can use this kind of support every week, PLEASE...contact Al-Anon and find out where there is a meeting near you. You can locate a meeting at www.al-anon.alateen.org or by calling 1-888-4AL-ANON

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   The simple truth is that only a year ago we all came together to attend the funeral and mourn the death of John, our oldest son, and Betty's brother-in-law, from addiction. That reminded us all that we have people in our family who have problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, ADD, eating disorders, nicotine, etc. It also reminded us that addiction can lead to death! Now Carol and I recently learned that now John's younger brother, Tim, Betty's husband, is admitting that his doctor is telling him that his liver is showing signs of alcoholic liver disease. We were told that Tim tried so hard to do what his doctor told him to do. He drank gallons of water every day in an attempt to clear his liver of the poisons, and he even cut back on his drinking! Now with his doctor reporting some improvement, I can tell you, as a recovering alcoholic myself with over twenty years of sobriety, that Tim interpreted that news as "...I am cured, and now I can return to normal drinking"(whatever that is).

   Drugs and alcohol have gotten most of my attention during the past twenty years because I have had to work so hard to overcome my own addictions through the 12-Step Programs. Yes, I suffered from ADD as a child back in the days when kids who had trouble focusing were just called lazy. But so much has been learned since those days, and if we really do love each other as much as we say we do in this family, shouldn't we each arm ourselves with as much information as possible about any disease that is harming us?

   So how do we help Tim? How do we stop Tim from destroying himself and breaking all of our hearts...again? The tragic truth is this; we can't! I have learned the hard way that there is no human power that can stop an alcoholic from taking the next drink. Tim has wondered out loud to me if he can quit, so how on earth could one of us imagine that we could somehow make him quit? Tim is in the grip of a disease that creates a powerful mental and emotional compulsion to drink alcohol. That compulsion renders him incapable of asking for help. And yet, until he does just that, nothing can be done for him!

   This brings us squarely to the question; what can we do? First, we can take care to take care of ourselves. This is a family disease and we each have a piece in it. We can seek help from others who have "been there" through community support groups like AA, Nar-A-Non and Al-Anon. I am leading our family by example, and have learned so much by getting out of Tim's way. I learned this after about two years of attending a men's Al-Anon meeting in our community. I know now that I must allow Tim the dignity of making his own decisions. By learning and growing ourselves we never harm another person. By learning through a program like A-Anon to detach with love we can give Tim a fighting chance to reach his own bottom and then reach out for help. Tim needs a family that is recovering along side him as they cheer him...not a bunch of deniers who continue enabling him while keeping those fake painted smiles on their faces. We need people who give thanks to God every morning that we are still alive, who are big enough to say "but for the grace of God there go I!"

   Here are some skills to develop that may help you. These are the combined experience of millions like us who have had to cope with addiction problems in their families.

Do's.

Do learn the facts about alcoholism.

Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.

Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or an alcoholism center.

Do develop an attitude to match the facts.

D take a personal inventory of yourself.

Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.

Do encourage new activities.

Don'ts

Don't preach or lecture.

Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic.

Don't have a "holier than thou" attitude.

Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal.

Don't make threats you won't carry out.

Don't hide liquor or pour it out.

Don't resent the method of recovery

Don't expect immediate contented sobriety.

Don't try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.

Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make.

You may change to word alcohol to drug of choice wherever you wish.

A parent never knows how a child will finally come out. When I took my own careful inventory as part of my recovery process I had to look at the example I set for my children. I taught them that alcohol relieved perceived stress. I made alcohol the center of all family get-togethers. I demonstrated that we could not enjoy a meal out or a party without alcohol present. That is how I was taught, and I just passed it along to the next generation.

   My Dad had terrible depression bouts. He would get so hateful that nobody could stand him. He was never totally incapacitated by his disease, but his moods swings had a great deal to do with all of our fears and inability to cope with reality. Don't get me wrong. I do not blame my Dad for my own derelictions, but I am aware of how far back this disease goes in our family. The insanity that I am trying to stop with this letter is this; we just keep doing the same things generation after generation while hoping that somehow we will get a different result.

   Society accepts now that ADD is cause by a mental/chemical imbalance, and some day it is likely to learn the same about alcoholism. People are getting help now for their ADD. Young people throughout our family with ADD are being treated with drugs that help them, and those accepting treatment are becoming excellent students. Until we can do the same with addiction, shouldn't we do everything we can during this generation to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?

   I am through with living in shame for our family warts. I am tired of sweeping these things under the rug as we continue in lock step to destruction. For this year, and for the coming years, let's stop hiding our deficiencies. Let's celebrate that we can now identify them...that we can hold them up to the light and start to correct them! Let's ask God in unison to give us the strength to deal honestly with each other, and to seek help when we need it. We have another member of our family who needs help in 2008, but is not capable of asking for it. Let's not allow another tragedy to happen to another loved-one because we all failed to see the problem while failing to support the solution.

   I love all of you, with my whole heart and soul. I am proud of each of you. You are completely acceptable to me, and to my God, just as you are, but we can all get well. Why don't we get well together...as the family that we are?

Dad.

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   Notice that these doting parents still call their adult son by his childhood name, and they still support him, not only financially, but emotionally. He calls his mother every day. One or both of his parents' daily existence still revolves around him. He gives them purpose. He also gives them commiseration and status from neighbors and other family members. "Henry and Cynthia are just wonderful people for taking care of that pitiful Robby after all of these years." If this couple doesn't get help with their codependency and finally allow their "child" to suffer the consequences of his or her behavior they will literally love their Robby to death.

   How far can this denial be taken? I have sponsored more than one Al-Anon man whose soon-to-be ex-wife continued charging on his credit cards while he continued paying the monthly bill.  Sometimes she was spending this money while dating other men! His denial was so strong that he just could not believe that money was all that was the only thing left that she wanted. Also, his denial would not let him accept that the marriage was really over. In at least three of these situations, when he cancelled the credit cards, she suddenly had a change of heart and granted him the divorce he had been seeking after months of delay. Incidentally, with the changes in roles that have happened during the past few decades this scenario is often reversed, with the high functioning codependent wife continuing to maintain a high-paying professional career while supporting a philandering addicted husband.

If you recognize yourself a a codependent acting out this flavoe of codependency, please get help for your own sake as well as that of the addict in your life. Call the Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non world service office, find out where the nearest meeting to you meets, and get yourself to a meeting...THIS WEEK!

Al-Anon; 1-888-4AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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info@episcopalrecovery.org

and/or

http://www.episcopalrecovery.org/

The family usually sees the first symptoms but is frequently unable to evaluate what those symptoms mean and often attributes them to other causes. The functional alcoholic DOES have personal problems that are caused by or related to the use of alcohol, such as:

Sleep problems                                              Spiritual problems

Flash anger problems                                   Financial problems

Relationship problems                                  Sexual problems

Thinking problems                                        Emotional problems

Mood problems                                             Self-esteem problems

Health problems                                            Family problems

Employment problems                                  Legal problems

Social problems

All these problems usually have alternative and very plausible explanations. How, then, does anyone identify a developing addiction problem? Certain things begin to happen and, when examined carefully, a pattern slowly emerges. The following list is by no means complete but includes indications of the types of things to look for. Remember, the alcoholic is often a brilliant super achiever, is employed, and frequently is an admired citizen, right there in the midst of his/her problem.

THE FAMILY SOMETIMES NOTICES THAT THEIR FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC MAY:

 1. Drink the first couple of drinks quite rapidly, but that isn't such a big deal, is it?

 2. Fix a drink first thing upon arriving home to relax, to calm down, after a hard day. It seems to be an innocent enough ritual.

 3. Require a drink before dealing with any family problems, e.g., Johnny's report card, washing machine breaking down, Aunt Matilda coming to visit, etc.

 4. Consume "a drink or two" more even after the others have quit.

 5. Have a ritually important night cap "in order to sleep."

 6. Frequently seem unable to have just one or two drinks but doesn't seem to get really "drunk."

 7. Show discomfort in situations where no alcohol is available, e.g., dislikes going to restaurants where no liquor is served, avoids even fun activities where there is no chance to drink.

 8. Make an excuse to leave a party early where the alcohol flow is moderate, even though his/her companion is having a good time.

 9. "Draw a blank" about conversations or happenings which occurred while drinking, which would normally be remembered (blackouts).

10. Explain his/her drinking even though no one asked.

11. Make a big deal out of not drinking for a few days, weeks, even months.

12. Make promises that aren't kept.

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