The Non-existent codependent

   There are three "flavors" or types of codependency identified by professionals in  the field of addiction. The first two were identified and described in two earlier posts. These are, in brief, what I called "the codependent in charge,"  and the "super-denier."

   The third type of codependent is the most pitiful. This person needs somebody else in the scapegoat-blustering- abusive role in order to be complete. This codependent thinks so little of themselves that they only exist as a reflection of the other person. I call this flavor "the non-existent codependent.

   I once heard a counselor refer to this person as the spider on the mirror. If the addict is the spider and the codependent only the reflection of the spider in the mirror, the reflection has opted out of making any life decisions. The reflection just reacts to every move of the spider, never taking the risk involved in making personal choices or decisions. The dependency is so complete here that, should the spider walk off of the mirror, the reflection disappears!

   Given those dire consequences, the name of the game for the codependent is doing everything necessary to avoid being abandoned. There is just no limit to which the reflection will go to accommodate the behavior of the addict. Public humiliation at the hands of the sick person, especially when that person is "in his cups" is common.

   This role is often favored by Al-Anon women. Women still do not make equal pay for equal responsibility on the job in America. It has been my observation through the decades that a woman is much more likely to stay with an alcoholic husband (or wealthy alcoholic father) for financial and security reasons than is a man. Most men will leave the alcoholic wife (usually to go and find another one that he can dominate), where most codependent women will stay with an addicted man as long as he continues functioning well enough to support the family. This is why her bottom so often comes when he loses his last job. For everyone there is a different bottom...a different "last straw," be it infidelity, loss of health, domestic violence, incarceration, or bankruptcy, but for the codependent whose very identity depends upon the addict that bottom is likely to be a very low one.

   Because these behaviors developed over a long period of time it is not reasonable to expect them to disappear overnight. Detaching from our closest family members is the most difficult detachment of all. We love these people, and they love us. These are the people who cared for us when we were helpless, who loved us when we were not so lovable. They gave birth to us or married us and bore our children. We shared Christmases, birthdays, paychecks and colds with them. We changed their diapers. However, even in the face of all of this history, we can only recover from our sick dependencies upon them when we do the hard work of changing ourselves from the inside out.

   Most truths come to us through other people, such as parents, teachers and preachers. Other truths, however, come to us from personal experience, and those are always the most profound. One truth that came to me early in my program is this one; you never harm another person by growing yourself.

Heard at a meeting; "I feel guilty feeling joyful while my alcoholic wife is not."

   Here is an important  point; you are half of every relationship, so when you grow you make the sum of the relationship greater. Some will just not go with you. Some are not willing to grow, some do not know where to start, and some never even think that thought because they believe that they have already arrived and that they are perfect!

   I have seen multiple means of making the break from family members in order to grow. Some have to sever the relationship altogether for a period of time. Some can continue the relationship on a shallow level and then allow the depth to come another day. Some have to accept the fact that the other person is never going to change. These are hard truths. The good news that comes to us through recovery is that change is possible. Change in thinking, change in behavior, change in attitude...all of this awaits the recovering individual who is willing to put forth the time and energy necessary to effect that change!

   If you recognize yourself in this or any other codependent role, PLEASE go for help. Al-Anon is free, it is in your community, and you can find a meeting in a matter of moments through the Al-Anon World Service Office. You can reach Al-Anon at 1-888-4-AL-ANON, or through their excellent web site at www.al-anon.alateen.org.

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   But let's focus here on the costs to the trust and integrity within a society. Psychologists can actually measure trust within a society. Dr. Daniel Goleman, in his great books on emotional intelligence tells us that the technical term for the overall trust level in a society is its social capital.  Social capital is the sum of the goodwill and trust among the members of a society. Social capital takes in ethical values, charitable contributions, volunteerism, and such intangibles as looking out for the welfare of your neighbors, or caring for a sick friend. Interestingly enough, the three countries that have been the most successful economically on the earth (The U.S.A., Germany, and Japan) also have the highest levels of social capital.

   What is the impact of addiction on social capital? To program people, personal honesty takes in a wide range, from what they call "cash register honesty," as opposed to the sort of personal honesty involved in taking all twelve steps. None of us, in our humanity, are capable of total honesty, but a great many people simply are not capable of a level of honesty as rigorous as that required by the twelve steps.

Our only real choice as recovering citizens is whether we will be part of the problem or part of the solution. If you are part of the problem because you are codependnt and enabling an alcoholic, get out there and ask for help...we all need for you to do it, because we are all paying a price for each other's addictions!

Ken P.

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or check www.al-anonalateen.org

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