Every addict and/or alcoholic wakes up every morning with this bag of pain hanging over his or her heart by a rope that is so tight that it only allows the sufferrer to take short shallow breaths. This pain is a 'mixed bag of goodies, but unlike a pinata that yields treats when it is broken, this one just sort of exudes misery like a foul vapor up into the nostrils. 

Through the years the addict has, through trial and error, found ways to loosen the rope, and sometimes to even take the bag off and hang it around the neck of anybody nearby. This is why it is so hard to be around addicts...they are constantly trying to shift their pain to you, and they have evolved amazingly clever and subtle ways to make this sick transfer.

 If you are in any level of proximity to an addict, keeping that bag of pain off of your own neck is impossible...at least without  help from others who have 'been there and understand. We Al-Anons, Nar-Anons, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are the others. We meet regularly and share our experience, strength, and hope. We spend hours discussing this subject, which we call DETACHMENT.

After many years of attending meetings, we have come to identify three distinct phases of detachment which are as follows: detachment with hatred, detachment with indifference, and detachment with love.

There is no shortcut through this process for somebody who has spent decades having the bag hung around their neck by another's disease. However, an important point that needs to be made here is this; even detachment with hatred is healthier for both the addict and the codependent than no detachment at all.

What am I saying here? I'm saying please;  reach out and ask for help from the rest of us. We are meeting every week in community centers, churches, coffee shops, libraries, homes, and sometimes just in a circle out under a big oak tree in the sun to help each other. Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or click on www.al-anon.alateen.org to find out when and where there is a meeting just for you!

 Ken P.

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Yes, it all fits. He is spending time away from both his family and his work during evenings, and when she learns that these meetings are mostly attended by lonely women, there is this gigantic "aha."

If there are no men-only meetings in the area, then a desperate Al-Anon man is forced to attend meetings made up mostly of women.

Somewhere deep inside she knows that neither she nor her husband have been capable of providing either the emotional or physical intimacy that they had before the disease progressed. He must be getting that elsewhere.

I remember one of those early-in-my-recovery Friday night meetings that ended in one of the worst battles we ever had over "my program."

After the meeting there was a tradition that those who didn't want the meeting to end would drive across the freeway to a Denny's for coffee. I had never attended one of these social meetings, but on this particular night I was invited.

I remember standing right outside the door of the meeting room in the parking lot talking to a small group of ladies the moment I was invited to join them. I gladly accepted, much preferring to continue interacting with healthy sober people...women or not, to what I knew by 9:15 would be a wife with four or five hours of cheap wine under her belt.

Unfortunately, the ladies all piled into their cars and left me alone with this newcomer. This lady proceeded to tell me that her alcoholic husband was not only violent, but insanely jealous! I remember imagining him sitting in the darkness across the street looking through a high-powered rife scope sight at the area just between my shoulder blades.

I still had those serious doubts about my masculinity that every male Al-Anon has in the early days of recovery, and I was wondering to myself what James Bond would do in this situation?  I decided that James Bond would calmly invite the newcomer to ride with him to Denny's. So that is exactly what I did.

But the eyes that I felt between my shoulder blades were not those of a jealous husband. They were those of two women. One was my wife, the other our neighbor, Evelyn Meyer, whom Deb had asked for a ride to the hospital. She had told Evelyn the whole sad tale. She suspected that her husband was having an affair with another woman, and that they had been meeting on Friday nights at a nearby hospital.

To make matters worse, I remember the newcomer doing some crying.

When I finally came home that night I walked in the front door to the words "...I SAW YOU! I SAW YOU drive away with that woman, and Evelyn is my witness! This went on, again, deep into the night. I remember thinking myself really clever at one point when I told her "...yes, yes, I am in love with that woman. I'm in love with her and with every other woman in there!

I'm in love with Betty, and Mary, and Gladys, and Pat. I love them all!

This "affair," which almost every alcoholic wife imagines, allows her to shift the shame from her disease to her husband. Tragically, sometimes what she suspects is true, but often, as it was in this situation, her accusations are just another flavor of her bluster. The most tragic outcome happens when she manages to threaten and bully him into abandoning his recovery process. That outcome perpetuates the disease in the family and dooms them all to continue downward in their elevator.

If this sounds familiar, call to find a meeting where you can start your own recovery process. Al-Anon people will help at 1-888-4-Al-ANON or check out www.al-anon.alateen.org

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   Recent figures show that 40% of those who walk into an Al-Anon meeting, however, never return. There are multiple explanantions for this, but a common one is that, though ours is a simple program, it is far from an easy one. Spiritual growth only comes after an investment of a great deal in meetings, honest introspection, release of ego, etc., and few are willing to pay that price.

   This is why I am writing this post this afternoon. The following list is only partial. It does not include the usual payoffs that most of us think we want (like money, prestige, praise, power, or even self esteem). These payoffs are deeper, more lasting, and much more fulfilling. If you are willing to pay the price, these can someday be yours. For those of us who have paid it, we would not trade any of the usual earthly rewards for them. After experiencing something like real serenity, everything else just pales by comparison.

Here they are:

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7. A loss of ability to worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

10. A loss of interest in judging others.

11. A loss of interest in judging self.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

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     The father of an addicted daughter, for example, faces a gut wrenching dilemma when he must accept that he can no longer protect and make things OK for his little girl. This dilemma goes right to the core of a father’s basic instincts and his perceived role as a man. After numerous failures to “help” his daughter he typically takes on an equally powerful motivator to continue to “help”. This motivator is guilt and is the result of thinking that he is a failure as a father and as a man. He finds many justifications for continuing to “help” including thinking that this time it will work and that, as a father and a man, he simply must continue to try to do something. Taking some kind of action also provides temporary relief from the pain of watching his daughter suffer. So how does he get out of this dilemma?

     The single most important thing is to accept that his daughter has a disease over which he has absolutely no control or power. This acceptance must occur in his mind, heart and soul or he will be pulled back to the instinctive protective mode. Once the acceptance has occurred, he can move on to the next step which is separating his daughter from her disease. He learns that he can love his daughter but hate the disease. This distinction then allows him to discern what is enabling versus what is helping and loving. Often by this time he has lost sight of the beautiful person his daughter is and becomes focused entirely on her behavior. It can be helpful to think about and write a letter about his daughter’s good qualities and even more helpful to both he and his daughter to give her this letter.

Bob T

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Get yourself to one of the 12-step meetings for enablers...either Al-Anon for those dealing with alcoholism, or Nar-Anon for those dealing with addiction to drugs, and learn there how to stop being part of the problem!!!

 Ken P.

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