We have been screaming at the world through this blog that women are using more alcohol, drugs, and tobacco in the current generation than are men. This is a profound shift in social habit. Now, in an incredibly short period of time, that drinking is showing up in our culture in our most vulnerable age group...our newborns.

     Today, as you read this, for the first time ever, fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is the number one cause of retardation in America...and probably elsewhere in the world as well. The cost of FAS in human terms is incalculable. The spirits of women destroyed from guilt because " ...just a few drinks" were consumed have been crushed, their marriages have been destroyed, and many have had to drive away after leaving their child in some brick building surrounded by green tiled walls. Economically? Well, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome costs more private and government dollars than any other mental defect.

   This has gotten so serious, so quickly, that the American Academy of Pediatrics last year made raising the awareness of the problem among high school and college age women their top priority. The AAP is one of the most respected of medical specialties. These professionals work long hard hours on behalf of children with less pay than most medical specialties because they, like the authors, just love kids. This is why, within the last year, the AAP has focused its efforts on identifying and preventing fetal alcohol syndrome. They have made it a major purpose to increase awareness of this tragic condition to women in the nation's high schools and colleges.

• Four times as many pregnant women drank frequently (7 or more drinks per week or 5 or more drinks on at least one occasion) in 1995 (3.5%) as in 1991 (0.8%) (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "Alcohol Consumption Among Pregnant and Childbearing-Aged Women--United States, 1991 and 1995," Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 4/25/97, p. 345).

   Do you want one last mind numbing fact to ponder tonight before you go to sleep? Guess what the number one symptom of fetal alcohol syndrome is in children whose mothers drank during pregnancy; give up? It is ADD, ADHD, or whatever you want to call that 'ants in the pants' behavior that causes our grammar school kids to line up every morning at school. One by one they march through the school nurse's office, eyes glazed, minds bouncing like ping pong balls, to receive their Ritalin!

   How can we stop this insanity? Please, stop enabling alcoholic women, people. Get yourself to a meeting of Al-Anon, Nar-A-Non, or Adult Children of Alcoholics tonight! There is a meeting probably less than five miles from your front door, it is free, and there is plenty of help there.

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or access www.al-anon.alateen.org to learn when and where that meeting is held.

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Ken P. and Bob T writing on The Codependent Man.

C:\Documents and Settings\Ken & Jody\My Documents\My Music\Unknown Artist\Unknown Album (10-15-2007 2-06-22 PM)

Men today represent only 15% of Al-Anons, that is, only 15% of the people attending Al-Anon meetings nationwide trying to get help for themselves with their enabling behaviors with various alcoholic people are men! And yet within the current generation of alcohol and drug users (14-22), the ladies are matching their male counterparts in addiction rates. Why this huge discrepancy? 

Here is what Ken P. says;

"When I came into Al-Anon in 1976 I was one of only about four men in all of the city of Houston who attended meetings regularly. Why?

Well, first, admitting I was powerless over anything was not even thinkable for me, given who I was and how I was raised. A real man does not just "accept" a bad situation...he DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Second, when I actually did attend a meeting (after my sponsor...one of the four guys) just hounded me until I did, I found what looked to me at that time like a secretive little meeting room full of women...most of them much older than I was. Besides, all of the "real men" were across the hall in AA laughing boisterously. Hey, I didn't want to BE an Al-Anon anyway, and after that first experience...well, thank God for my sponsor, who just refused to give up on my recovery!

Another major block to my attending meetings was that Al-Anon was definitely the territory of the woman...even more so in 1976 than today. Most men come to their first Al Anon 12 step recovery meeting filled with fear but also with hope that they will find a step wise, logical solution to the problem of addiction. Instead what they find is room full of women who are talking about their feelings. Very few men return after such an encounter. Al Anon was formed in the early days of AA when women decided to get together while their men were at AA meetings and was almost exclusively for women until the mid 1970's."

Here is Bob T on the subject;

 "Men are different from women in many respects beyond their use of language and this is especially true in how they react when faced with someone else's addiction. This entire blog is intended to provide help specifically for men and to fill a gap in recovery literature which is for the most part written by and for women. For example, Scott B., Ken P., and I have all three experienced frustration when attempting to find recovery literature and meetings that focus on how men think, feel and react to the disease of addiction. We have also heard many other men, both new and experienced in the recovery process, express this same frustration.

   Most men do not know what they are feeling and when they do, anger is usually the only feeling that is expressed. In addition, unlike women, they are not willing to share feelings in any setting much less in front of a group of Al-Anon women. 

   Men just think and act differently when confronted with addiction. They are driven to take action immediately rather than to talk about the problem with others as women generally do first. When repeated attempts to fix the problem fail, men become angry and frustrated thinking they are a failure. They also become confused because what has worked in the past to solve problems does not work when dealing with addiction. Men are consummate problem solvers at their workplace...they have to be in order to succeed. After repeated failures to "solve" the "problem" of addiction, guilt sets in and they become even more motivated to "solve the problem." I once heard this cycle described as what happens when a big bear picks up a burning hot garbage can, gets burned, gets madder, and therefore squeezes harder!

   While men react by controlling, raging and taking action, women tend to try to be better wives or mothers, do more for the addict and redouble their efforts to use nurturing to solve the problem. Given these differences in how men and women feel, think and react when confronted with addiction, it follows that men also approach recovery differently than women.

   In addition, almost all the literature available on recovery for people living with addiction is written by women. As a result, men usually do not connect with the principles of the Al Anon 12 step program when they first encounter them at a meeting or in reading the available literature. They first need to be able to relate to a man who is or has been in their situation and learn they are not alone in how they feel and react to the disease of addiction.

   Every Monday night now we attend a Men's Al-Anon meeting in our hometown of about 80,000 people, and we are three of 20-25 men...laughing boisterously! We are in all levels of recovery, we have many different "qualifiers" (wives, sons, mothers, brothers, even bosses), but we are all there participating in our own recovery process. Yes, the flavor of the meeting is distinctively different from most meetings, but we have learned that resentful is resentful, and that it hurts the one doing the resenting regardless of sex...the same with fear, embarrassment, disgust and bankruptcy, none of which are any fun whether you call yourself John or Carol.

   We all three urge you. If you are a man reading this who suspects that you have a person addicted to anything...alcohol, drugs (hallucinogens, opiates, marijuana, or prescription drugs) food, sex, work...or shopping, please get some help. It's out there.

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Yes, it all fits. He is spending time away from both his family and his work during evenings, and when she learns that these meetings are mostly attended by lonely women, there is this gigantic "aha."

If there are no men-only meetings in the area, then a desperate Al-Anon man is forced to attend meetings made up mostly of women.

Somewhere deep inside she knows that neither she nor her husband have been capable of providing either the emotional or physical intimacy that they had before the disease progressed. He must be getting that elsewhere.

I remember one of those early-in-my-recovery Friday night meetings that ended in one of the worst battles we ever had over "my program."

After the meeting there was a tradition that those who didn't want the meeting to end would drive across the freeway to a Denny's for coffee. I had never attended one of these social meetings, but on this particular night I was invited.

I remember standing right outside the door of the meeting room in the parking lot talking to a small group of ladies the moment I was invited to join them. I gladly accepted, much preferring to continue interacting with healthy sober people...women or not, to what I knew by 9:15 would be a wife with four or five hours of cheap wine under her belt.

Unfortunately, the ladies all piled into their cars and left me alone with this newcomer. This lady proceeded to tell me that her alcoholic husband was not only violent, but insanely jealous! I remember imagining him sitting in the darkness across the street looking through a high-powered rife scope sight at the area just between my shoulder blades.

I still had those serious doubts about my masculinity that every male Al-Anon has in the early days of recovery, and I was wondering to myself what James Bond would do in this situation?  I decided that James Bond would calmly invite the newcomer to ride with him to Denny's. So that is exactly what I did.

But the eyes that I felt between my shoulder blades were not those of a jealous husband. They were those of two women. One was my wife, the other our neighbor, Evelyn Meyer, whom Deb had asked for a ride to the hospital. She had told Evelyn the whole sad tale. She suspected that her husband was having an affair with another woman, and that they had been meeting on Friday nights at a nearby hospital.

To make matters worse, I remember the newcomer doing some crying.

When I finally came home that night I walked in the front door to the words "...I SAW YOU! I SAW YOU drive away with that woman, and Evelyn is my witness! This went on, again, deep into the night. I remember thinking myself really clever at one point when I told her "...yes, yes, I am in love with that woman. I'm in love with her and with every other woman in there!

I'm in love with Betty, and Mary, and Gladys, and Pat. I love them all!

This "affair," which almost every alcoholic wife imagines, allows her to shift the shame from her disease to her husband. Tragically, sometimes what she suspects is true, but often, as it was in this situation, her accusations are just another flavor of her bluster. The most tragic outcome happens when she manages to threaten and bully him into abandoning his recovery process. That outcome perpetuates the disease in the family and dooms them all to continue downward in their elevator.

If this sounds familiar, call to find a meeting where you can start your own recovery process. Al-Anon people will help at 1-888-4-Al-ANON or check out www.al-anon.alateen.org

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   Denial is the favorite device for self-protection for everybody in an addicted household...the addict, the codependent spouse, the sick reactive children, even the enabling figures around the family like bosses and neighbors.

This is a special form of insanity. How can there be a problem, if we simply refuse to admit it? We enablers of addicts are just as self-deluding as our counterparts in the addiction dance. We know that "we are special", and that the laws of physics somehow do not apply to us.

   But here is the rub. Reality keeps intruding into our delusion. The cops show up. There are DUI's. We end up in the ER bleeding through our guts from perforated ulcers just like the addict. It isn't always as dramatic as this. More commonly there are many days of work lost. How many cases of "liquid flu" have been reported by anxious spouses to bosses who want to believe them when everybody knows somewhere deep inside that somebody who is not in this conversation got loaded last night!

As the enabler, on the surface you feel confused. "So what's the deal? I always tried to do my best, I was always the good kid, I kept my nose clean, I always kept a job and payed my taxes. Why is my life such a mess?"

 The second step used by the millions living by the 12-step programs so popular throughout the world today says;

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

   Until insanity is acknowledged, recovery is impossible. At meetings we admit our insane behavior and thinking out loud in a safe place. Other recovering people nod their heads as we describe raging at a person who isn't even mentally present. Other Al-Anons smile as we tell of sleeping fully clothed so that we can be ready to bound out of bed and head for the emergency that we just know is going to happen tonight while our addicted son is "out there" in harm's way.  

   Until you "suit up and show up" at a meeting, you will be doomed to living in your own head. That marble keeps rolling anround and around through the same insane groove until you ask for help. You may someday accept the fact that the only sane approach to living with an addict is to admit that you cannot handle it alone, then go out and ask for help from people who have been there.

 Anything else...anything after "yes but," is insanity!

If you are honestly searching for a better life in the face of these realities, PLEASE...contact Al-Anon and find a meeting. There is probably one within walking distance of your house as you read this that meets every week! 

Al-Anon QWorld Service Office, 1-888-4-AL-ANON, or see their web site at www.al-anon.alateen.org.

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You meet a close friend in The Program later and share intellectual, political, and spiritual insights...or maybe you talk about last nights game. You know his whole life story and he knows yours. There is mutual respect and trust. You have each told the other personal aspects of your being that not one man in one thousand would share with another.

Now you go to a noon Al-Anon meeting at the church, where four women and two men hug you warmly just because you are you. All six tell you with their eyes and one with words that they love you, and they really mean it when they tell you how great it is to see you.

You leave the meeting so relaxed...so fulfilled. So much was said by so many on such a deep level that there is a great deal to ponder during your drive home.

You know that your life belongs to God, to yourself, and to many others. You know that it is going to be a long and interesting one. You have grown spiritually so that you realize that you have many terribly important purposes. You also know that you are capable of completing them, and that you are not alone. You have a supporting family, a Program family, close friends, and a loving God to cheer you throughout the process.

Get the picture? That is how I started my day yesterday. It was a Tuesday.

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   God showed me this principle one Tuesday when I attended two Al-Anon meetings in one day. I slipped out of the Medical Center where I was working and attended a noon meeting at an Episcopal Church. It was a typical meeting for that day (the late 70's)...about 25 women and me.

   I shared during the meeting, and as we all walked across the parking lot to the Luby's cafeteria for lunch a woman made it a point to walk up beside me. She just sort of "lit into me" in an accusatory tone, but what she said was "...You're the only man I ever heard who made any sense. All other men just want one thing, and they are not even capable of thinking about anybody else."

   That night I met a man I was sponsoring, and he began right away unloading his own brand of disgust for the opposite sex. "Women only want two things from a man...a d&$%*@ and a meal ticket!"

   Since that Tuesday I have viewed alcoholism as a disease. It is a disease of all human beings, and neither sex has a monopoly on the misery.

Quote from Winston Churchill; "The battle between the sexes would be over and done-with, there would be a clear-cut winner and a clear-cut loser...if there were not so much fraternization between the enemies!"

If you need help with your "stinkin' thinkin' " of ANY kind, find the nearest Al-Anon support group to your home. You can get details easily by checking out www.al-anonalateen.org or calling 1-888-4AL-ANON.

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   Recent figures show that 40% of those who walk into an Al-Anon meeting, however, never return. There are multiple explanantions for this, but a common one is that, though ours is a simple program, it is far from an easy one. Spiritual growth only comes after an investment of a great deal in meetings, honest introspection, release of ego, etc., and few are willing to pay that price.

   This is why I am writing this post this afternoon. The following list is only partial. It does not include the usual payoffs that most of us think we want (like money, prestige, praise, power, or even self esteem). These payoffs are deeper, more lasting, and much more fulfilling. If you are willing to pay the price, these can someday be yours. For those of us who have paid it, we would not trade any of the usual earthly rewards for them. After experiencing something like real serenity, everything else just pales by comparison.

Here they are:

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

2. Frequent attacks of smiling.

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7. A loss of ability to worry.

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

10. A loss of interest in judging others.

11. A loss of interest in judging self.

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

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   Notice that these doting parents still call their adult son by his childhood name, and they still support him, not only financially, but emotionally. He calls his mother every day. One or both of his parents' daily existence still revolves around him. He gives them purpose. He also gives them commiseration and status from neighbors and other family members. "Henry and Cynthia are just wonderful people for taking care of that pitiful Robby after all of these years." If this couple doesn't get help with their codependency and finally allow their "child" to suffer the consequences of his or her behavior they will literally love their Robby to death.

   How far can this denial be taken? I have sponsored more than one Al-Anon man whose soon-to-be ex-wife continued charging on his credit cards while he continued paying the monthly bill.  Sometimes she was spending this money while dating other men! His denial was so strong that he just could not believe that money was all that was the only thing left that she wanted. Also, his denial would not let him accept that the marriage was really over. In at least three of these situations, when he cancelled the credit cards, she suddenly had a change of heart and granted him the divorce he had been seeking after months of delay. Incidentally, with the changes in roles that have happened during the past few decades this scenario is often reversed, with the high functioning codependent wife continuing to maintain a high-paying professional career while supporting a philandering addicted husband.

If you recognize yourself a a codependent acting out this flavoe of codependency, please get help for your own sake as well as that of the addict in your life. Call the Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non world service office, find out where the nearest meeting to you meets, and get yourself to a meeting...THIS WEEK!

Al-Anon; 1-888-4AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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info@episcopalrecovery.org

and/or

http://www.episcopalrecovery.org/

The family usually sees the first symptoms but is frequently unable to evaluate what those symptoms mean and often attributes them to other causes. The functional alcoholic DOES have personal problems that are caused by or related to the use of alcohol, such as:

Sleep problems                                              Spiritual problems

Flash anger problems                                   Financial problems

Relationship problems                                  Sexual problems

Thinking problems                                        Emotional problems

Mood problems                                             Self-esteem problems

Health problems                                            Family problems

Employment problems                                  Legal problems

Social problems

All these problems usually have alternative and very plausible explanations. How, then, does anyone identify a developing addiction problem? Certain things begin to happen and, when examined carefully, a pattern slowly emerges. The following list is by no means complete but includes indications of the types of things to look for. Remember, the alcoholic is often a brilliant super achiever, is employed, and frequently is an admired citizen, right there in the midst of his/her problem.

THE FAMILY SOMETIMES NOTICES THAT THEIR FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC MAY:

 1. Drink the first couple of drinks quite rapidly, but that isn't such a big deal, is it?

 2. Fix a drink first thing upon arriving home to relax, to calm down, after a hard day. It seems to be an innocent enough ritual.

 3. Require a drink before dealing with any family problems, e.g., Johnny's report card, washing machine breaking down, Aunt Matilda coming to visit, etc.

 4. Consume "a drink or two" more even after the others have quit.

 5. Have a ritually important night cap "in order to sleep."

 6. Frequently seem unable to have just one or two drinks but doesn't seem to get really "drunk."

 7. Show discomfort in situations where no alcohol is available, e.g., dislikes going to restaurants where no liquor is served, avoids even fun activities where there is no chance to drink.

 8. Make an excuse to leave a party early where the alcohol flow is moderate, even though his/her companion is having a good time.

 9. "Draw a blank" about conversations or happenings which occurred while drinking, which would normally be remembered (blackouts).

10. Explain his/her drinking even though no one asked.

11. Make a big deal out of not drinking for a few days, weeks, even months.

12. Make promises that aren't kept.

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when the shock will occur, because the shock is initiated by a computer set for random delivery. It is not the pain of the shock that induces the stress ulcers so quickly in the test subject. It is the mouse's anticipation of the pain.

   Like the mouse in the experiment, the codependent man knows that the pain will come, and that it will hurt in the very ways that stress him most. He will be embarrassed, ridiculed, and demeaned. Humiliatin develops slowly. It happens first in the privacy of the livingroom between the man and his wife. Interaction in this incubator for dysfunction goes something like this; he continues to try to set and maintain personal boudaries with her, but the abberrant  behavior that results from her addiction just keeps driving her own self respect downward. In a futile atempt to compensate, for her progressing disease, she tries regain self respect with bluster. 

   Even if the man somehow is driven to seek help in a program such as Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non, when he comes home from a meeting he will only face an angry wife who redoubles her efforts.  For the lady alcoholic, the first threat to her husband attending meetings is simply that her enabler is not immediately present attending to her needs.

   Soon, if he continues attending "those meetings" she begins sensing his new attitude, and worse yet, his new behavior. This is unacceptable. He is actually setting and holding a few minor boundaries, and her threats don't seem to be having the desired effect. For years she has schooled him using both punishment and reward to meet the needs of her addiction, and he seems to be somehow unlearning everything. In their game of catch with misery, he first stops throwing back the ball, although he is still catching it. After a time, he even stops catching it, and that is true detachment.

If this scenario rings true for you and you are the Al-Anon man who has been "trained," you don't have to stay that way! Get youtrself to an Al-Anon meeting in your area and start learning how to detach from the tentacles of this disease.

Call: 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out www.al-anonalateen.org

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