Love the Addict, Hate the Disease.

   A wise counselor once told my wife and I "...it's hard to hug a porcupine!" Addicts and alcoholics are like porcupines. Their decades of consuming known depressants render them irritable and negative. Their addiction has been used to avoid facing and solving life's problems, so they have hampered their own maturation process, because maturity can only happen when a person faces a difficult painful situation, and then grows enough to solve it after demonstrating enough humility to ask for help.

   However,  loving those who are hard to love is what we are admonished to do. That is a major goal of many religions, including Christianity. We Christians are supposed to become more Christ-like, and loving those who persecute you is  His specialty!

   Let's explore this. Our 12-step life is rife with seeming contradictions. On the one hand, we are taught not to accept unacceptable behavior lest we fall into the trap of enabling by not standing up for ourselves against those who would abuse us. At the same time, we are told to develop acceptance, to release resentments, and to "...fake it ‘til we make it." If you can tease out this distinction...the distinction between the soul of the person exhibiting the unacceptable behavior and the behavior itself, then it IS possible to do all of this. In a sentence, learn the love the person but hate their disease.

   Some personify evil as the Devil. Some just think in terms of negative influences in the universe, or the yin and the yang. In Texas they just say "...what goes around comes around." But I have learned that negativity is always promulgated by the diseases of addiction, alcoholism, and codependency. That negativity will take away life, dignity, finances, physical health, emotional health, marriages, relationships, and spiritual growth. Like a virus, these diseases eventually destroy everybody and everything.

   Somehow, someplace inside, every person sooner or later has to make some basic decisions. These are decisions such as am I going to be a leaner,  or a holder upper of others who lean? Am I going to put forth the personal effort to grow toward self-actualization, or am I going to take what appears as the expedient path (of least resistance) and resort to blame, escape through addictions, lethargy and personal stagnation?

   In the program we learn that these do not have to be lofty questions. Sometimes it is even easier to take the high road than the low one. I have seen people put forth extra effort to lie (maybe just out of habit) when telling the truth was actually easier! I wonder out loud here questions such as how often is misery optional? Maybe we have more choices than we realize. Maybe we sometimes choose pain just because it is familiar. Maybe there are better ways to live. Maybe the people who tried to grow us up into adults tried to make us in their own image, and maybe that image wasn't too healthy!

   If you have a need somewhere inside to dig deeper, to live a more meaningful and more examined life, you might seriously consider joining others with like needs. Sneak off of your mundane merry-go-round just once and slip into an Al-Anon meeting some day. There you might be amazed to hear an in-depth discussion for a solid hour on some subject like personal serenity. You can find a meeting near your home by calling 1-888-4AL-ANON or accessing the website http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/.

   Then again, you might just want to stay where you are. No problem. Just keep up the conversation with the guy on the bus.

   "Hey man, how ‘bout those Patriots?"

Ken P.