Any man who attends Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis will have

hear  stories of abuse told by women as they effect a hard to look at vacant stare into the middle of the room. It is quiet at these times. Yes, we all learn that alcoholism is a disease, and we work hard at accepting that alcohol's first victim when it reaches the brain is usually judgement. We all know that this deadening of the humanizing chips leads to unpredictable behavior, emotional outbursts...the usual chaos that so often get's resolved by trips to the ER and the police station.

   After hearing one of these all-too familiar stories I went home and wrote this blues.

Pain don't im-press me.

At least its fa-miliar.

And rain, rain don't rush me.

A wo-man can on-ly get so wet.

There was a time you could hold me.

Less with love, more with an-ger.

But I sur-vive with the dan-ger,

Because I'm Long, Long Damned Gone!

At first I cried to my Mama, cried to my pa,

Cried to the neighbors, I e-ven cri-ed to God.

(spoken, "...and everbody but God told me")

"That man's your hus-band, the marks don't show,

He's got a good job, where would you go?"

Oh where, God where, would I go?

Framed by my family, betrayed by the system.

Will some-one some how help me,

And how man-y more women out there like me?

There was a time, we were silent.

Ground our teeth in our pil-lows.

Hey mis-ter some, now are wid-ows,

And now we're long, Long Damned Gone.

In-side we're Long, Long Damned Gone.

Inside (spoken..."and someday outside too")

We will be Long Damned Gone!

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   Codependent men are lonely creatures. They live in a state of isolation from the world, because constant contact with an addicted or alcoholic loved-one has for great blocks of their lifetime resulted in pain.  So real contact with another person has become synonymous with pain. In fact, any contact withanother person brings with it the risk of truth, and truth is painful, so codependent men avoid truth and contact altogether... even with themselves!

   I was ruminating on this isolation once while sitting in this little restaurant on a square in an East Texas town. To give you an idea as to how non-pretentious this establishment was, the name over the front door, burned onto a piece of wood, was  "cafe."  I was reading a music theory textbook about how to write a song starting with a "hook." As I watched my waitress dispense caffeine while strolling up and down the single aisle between the two ragged rows of green plastic booths I began to fantasize about how a codependent man might  slip into a world of fantasy involving this waitress. Her name was Edna, and, yes, she sported a tall blonde beehive below which her lower jaw casually mutilated a piece of Juicy Fruit gum.

   Just about this time Edna dropped a little green bill on my table with the words "Have A Nice Day, Edna" scrawled across the bottom. There were little circles over the "I's", and a Happy Face down in one corner. My first realization was that Edna had just handed me a wonderful "hook!" How many times a day does this happen? So I stayed a little longer, had a few more cups of coffee, and wrote the lyrics and melody to the song below on a napkin.

   I couldn't rhyme anything with Edna, so she became Marge. After having "Marge" set to music in Nashville, I've had years of fun with her.  She was played on a country radio station in Richmond Texas, and so many people called in requesting to hear her again that the station started giving away coffee cups as prizes that said Marge on the side!

    Hope you enjoy Marge.

Have A Nice Day Comma Marge

Copyright 1987, Ken P.

I strolled in-to a ca-fe,

for coff-ee and a stack.

I spied a brand new waitress,

from some-where back in back.

Her shape was kind-a cur-vy,

Her skin was white like cream.

Her name badge just said "Margie,"

She made my glasses steam!

(spoken, "yep, and it wasn't from the coffee either.

  Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!)

I knew she really liked me.

She hung around my booth.

Five re-fills for my coff-ee,

before my meal was through.

And then she pulled a num-ber

That gave my heart a charge.

Wrote on that bill right by me,

"Have a Nice Day, Comma Marge!"

(spoken; had little circles over the eyes, ya know. A happy face down in one corner)

Musical interlude

I thought a-bout my sweet-heart,

at home with all those brats.

'Bout yard-work ev-ry Sun-day,

'Bout bills and such as that.

Then stand-in' by a big 'ol cow-boy

While waitin' ta pay my charge,

I saw the bill he's holdin' said

 Have A Nice Day, Comma Marge.

(spoken, "You sure know how to hurt a guy Marge. Did I forget the tip? I'll be back tomorrow. Don't for get me Marge...pleeeeeeeeeeease!)  

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We Codependent Men, We Mute Coyotes

By Ken P.

The coyote is a long, slim, sick and sorry-looking skeleton, with a gray wolf-skin stretched over it, a tolerably bushy tail that forever sags down, a furtive and evil eye, and a long, sharp face, with slightly lifted lip and exposed teeth. He has a general slinking expression all over. The coyote is a living, breathing allegory of Want. He is always hungry. He is always poor, out of luck, and friendless. The meanest creatures despise him, and even the fleas would desert him for a velocipede.

                                                              Taken from Mark Twain's Roughing It

   A codependent man is a man who is often a high functioning husband with a wife who has a physical, mental, and spiritual need for a mind-altering substance, such as alcohol or drugs. His wife's extreme need for her substance has caused her for years to manipulate this man by every means known to a woman who has stood up before institutions full of relatives, a respected preacher, and God pledging his total allegiance to her for life "...till death do them part."

  Almost all of the literature on codependency is written by women for women, leaving the codependent man basically unstudied. This is for a very simple reason. He is under everybody's radar screen because he has to be! Read on and learn a few of the reasons why such a man suffers like the retched coyote described by Mark Twain above...only he can't even howl; because of his disease, he is mute!

   Like the coyote, this man survives in a state of heightened diligence. He sees the other men as wolves running in their chosen packs. He sees the jocks, the golfers, the professional organizations, the fraternal clubs, the Little League Dads, and the men in his suburban neighborhood dressed in their crisp shorts.

   But the twin diseases of alcoholism and codependency have isolated him. He has no pack for protection. His preoccupation with an alcoholic wife has robbed him of the time and energy to form trusting relationships with other men, and he pays a tremendous internal price for that missing element. Here is why; because of hundreds of thousands of years surviving as the hunting half of "hunters and gatherers," somewhere down in his bones every man knows that isolation from the pack means death.

   It is not only his lack of time to develop relationships with other men that isolates this codependent man. His various defense mechanisms such as perfectionism and over-achievement serve to make other men shun him. There is also his underlying anger, mostly born of fear. Other men sense this. He is so obviously not at ease in his own skin. He over-reacts, especially to any slight criticism. Other men soon learn the basic truth summed up by a very wise counselor, who once told me, "It's hard to hug a porcupine!"

   So his ears are either perked in constant high alert, or flattened with anger and frustration. His frustration, though constant, cannot be voiced for an important reason; he cannot identify it!

   It is called denial. Denial is his most immediate and user-friendly shock absorber against the painful emotional shocks delivered at random from his first family during childhood. Studies show that most codependent men came from highly dysfunctional families that included at least one alcoholic or addicted parent.  All he ever knew was this existence, so that feels normal. He just went out and found a wife who would treat him the way the people who were supposed to love him unconditionally always did. A little boy can't win against big parents, and a beaten-down man can't win against an abusive addicted wife.

   So he becomes a mute coyote.

   He must remain silent like a mute coyote. Coyotes remain silent lest they draw attention to themselves. Attention, to a man married to an alcoholic wife is synonymous with pain, and avoidance of pain has gradually become his sole moment to moment purpose. His tail "that forever sags down" stays there between his legs because he is trying to make himself smaller. The wagging tail of his puppy hood...the spiked tail of high expectation, has been replaced. A wagging or spiked tail would destroy his "cover."

   If you can relate to this description, you may be another Codependent man. There is help.

   I am a man who has worked with codependent men for over thirty years as their "sponsor," helping them through the 12-step program called Al-Anon.  I am working with two other such men to reach out and help other men with this pitiful disease.  We are working through various means to establish men's Al-Anon meetings all over this nation, because they are so badly needed. As I write this, only 15% of those attending Al-Anon meetings are men, even though the current generation of women aged 14-22 are using alcohol, drugs, and tobacco at a rate that is higher than their male counterparts. Given this situation, along with the highest rate of alcoholism and addiction among the parents in our country's history, we see a future absolutely rife with codependency among its men.

   If you catch even a glimpse of yourself in this missive or if you suspect that you are enabling somebody close to you who has the disease of addiction, please...Call Al-Anon World Service Office to learn where the nearest men's Al-Anon meeting is in your area, or for information about how to start one!

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON.

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1 Samuel 18:1, 3-4

Question; is it possible for men to have real friendships with other men in today's culture? The answer we have learned through years of attending men's Al-Anon meetings is YES! It is not only possible, it is terribly important that we do so.

Why? Because there are issues, conflicts, struggles, and worries that men share. These are issues many women have a great deal of difficulty understanding. It is important that men come together in groups...twos, threes, fours, or 25's. In these groups they learn, working within the structure of the 12-steps and the principles of the Al-Anon recovery program, that there are other men who are comfortable enough within themselves to speak openly about topics that the newcomer has not even been able to dredge up into his own consciousness!

First, in the example above taken from the Old Testament, the distinction was made that Jonathan was the king's son. That implies that Jonathan was much younger, and therefore probably one of David's contemporaries. They immediately had that in common. Our studies of our own Monday Night Men's Group, which has a roster of over 60 men who have attended meetings regularly over the past 12 months, indicate that there is some validity to this commonality among men within similar age groups. The youngest of our group are always in their early 30's, and usually have fathers who are their "qualifiers." The oldest, in their 70's, usually have son's who are their qualifiers. In the middle, the men from 35-55, usually have a wife who is their qualifier. But the disease of addiction transcends the boundaries created by the classic "generation gap." Regardless of age, we watch in awe as the 70 year-old retired coach with the addicted son relates to the 32-year old sociology teacher with the addicted father!

Next, notice what Jonathan willingly gave to David to seal their friendship. First, he gave his robe...his outermost covering. Then he even gave his tunic! Jonathan physically and metaphorically made himself naked in front of David. He said in effect, "I trust you enough to expose myself without modesty to you."

I can tell you that witnessing a CEO trying in an open meeting among over 20 men through halting sentences to describe how he felt when he had to go through the sadness, embarrassment and shame of visiting his only son at the county jail last Saturday night was just like that. It was dead quiet in that Community Center meeting room with the shades closed (our group years ago bought the shades and donated them to the center to protect our anonymity). The man finally surrendered to his feelings and wept. The acceptance, caring, and just pure agape love that poured forth from the men who spoke after this scion of industry showed how devastating his son's alcoholism had been to him was palpable.

Next, Jonathan handed over his sword, bow, and belt. That meant to me that Jonathan gave up his offense. He handed over all of his protection. He stripped himself of both his means of offense and defense. For a Jewish man of Old Testament times, to surrender these items was the ultimate trust. When our CEO friend wept he removed his front. His pride, his bluster, his manliness, all of that which was so important, to anyone, but especially to a successful corporate man, was surrendered...publicly.

There is another quote I want to use now, this one from Proverbs, 27:17.

"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend."

Reduced by this disease to your core, you are now "teachable." Letting go of the feelings after genuinely feeling them is only the beginning. Our dear CEO can now attend our meeting for as long as he wishes, trusting and exposing him every week while witnessing other men doing the same thing. Some day he can develop enough trust to approach a man to whom he can relate, and ask him to be his sponsor. The man he approaches may be an auto mechanic, a janitor, or an airline pilot. It makes no difference to either one of them. They are men who have learned to trust other men, and now the mechanic will serve as the iron that sharpens the CEO.

If you can use this kind of support every week, PLEASE...contact Al-Anon and find out where there is a meeting near you. You can locate a meeting at www.al-anon.alateen.org or by calling 1-888-4AL-ANON

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2. I need to stop viewing myself as a bad person trying to be good, and recognize that I am in reality a sick person trying to get well.

3. Fear is projecting within my own mind the bad things that I think may happen. This is not necessarily the truth. This is very probably NOT the way things really are!

4. I need to especially be on guard for the old sick methods so deeply engrained in me by other not-well people that allow me to continue self destructive ways. Rationalizations such as "...everybody does that," or "...I was just trying to be helpful," or "but I always had only the best of intentions" are no longer valid.

5. Our flaws did not come because of the addict. We already had those flaws long before we even met the addict.

6. We must discard the position that how we look when we suit up has any importance. What is important is that we suit up and show up...physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a private process. It is between you, a single trusted other human being, and God.

7. Your personal inventory absolutely must be balanced between your weaknesses and you strengths. When you have been hurt a lot because you have gone too far in tolerating unacceptable behavior, you can pass an invisible line where you no longer have self respect. When businesses do inventories, the debts and liabilities portion is not the major focus. You have stock, credits receivable, reputation, and worth beyond what you know at this moment. In AA parlance,

"God don't make no junk!"

Find an Al-Anon meeting at 1-888-4-AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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"...maybe we can just start over in Arizona," or

"...I'll take that promotion in the home office so that the extra money will take the pressure off of us," or

"...besides, everything has to get a lot better when we move closer to her family...her Mom will straighten her out once and for all!"

   There are at least three flaws in this solution to addiction. First, each move breaks the bonds just beginning to form where the family now lives. There is real glue holding together healthy families after spending years forming supportive relationships with neighbors, family, and friends. Also, built-in support systems like scouting and church gain in value with time.

   Second, even among the members for healthy families, a move is stressful. The strain imposed by having to adapt to new schools, neighbors, and regions has been well documented.

   The final and most significant factor stressing the family members in a geographical cure is always the disease of addiction itself. Everybody who moves brings themselves along with them for the ride. Dad still has his overachievement/control issues, little brother still wets the bed, and big sister is still trying to match wills with Mom. She has her teenager hormonal imbalance and mom has the unpredictable mood swings of any alcoholic. To borrow a line from that great old Eagle's Song, "...you're still the same old girl you used to be!"

Whereever the members of addicted families go, they take themselves and their disease with the. The geographical cure just does not work. Recovery through 12-step programs does work. If you can relate to this post and see that you and the members of your family have tried this and failed, why not try a 12-step recovery program instead? They work!

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out the web site www.al-anonalateen.org

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The wall that builds in time around the inner parts of a man make him more and more stagnant.

The word stagnant means "not moving, or stale." Water is a lot like spirit. Spirit that is not moving, like still water, becomes stagnant. Stagnant water and stagnant spirit stinks...maybe that is why we call it stinking thinkin'!

Lowering the walls that held in the stinking thoughts ...thoughts like resentment for hurtful words uttered by a drunk, or thoughts like self pity that we love to resort to because, well with self pity it feels like there is SOME sort of payoff...those walls, when they are lowered, allow us to drain the inner swamp.

Maybe we lower a wall on one side of our inner swamp with our first sponsor, and he allows the stinking dark thoughts to just dissipate away into the universe. Then we start going to meetings and we listen... a lot. That listening starts to bring in fresh water...fresh thoughts. We read our literature, and that brings in cool fresh water...new cleaner clearer thoughts.

Finally, we lower two more walls...the two most important walls of all. The first is the inner ring of walls that block us off from our own feelings. There is this little tiny compressed densely packed residue of true feelings. These are all that is left after we have stuffed them year after year. The wall has become like a tough seed coat around a pinto bean. Beans have to be soaked...sometimes for a long time, before they can take in water. Our beans have to be soaked in the spirit of the program. The softening of that hard seed coat is the toughest job a man will ever do, and I'll be honest with you. I have sponsored over 30 men over the years, an many men are simply are not able to do that softening!

But if they do, inside every seed coat is an embryo. The embryo is new life that, once freed can now begin stretching its roots into the moist nutrient-rich soil of this program.  Our new roots start pulling up rich stuff like wisdom, and laughter that we forgot we ever had, and just plain old love.

Please, if you are a man hidden deep inside a hard seed coat that is safely buried behind a thick wall of denial, get yourself to a local Al-Anon meeting, start to trust another man, and begin to sprout. You have so much to offer the universe...why not let it out?

Call 1-888-4AL ANON or go to www.al-anonalateen.org

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   It is not only his lack of time to develop relationships with other men that isolates this Al-Anon man. His various defense mechanisms such as perfectionism and over-achievement serve to make other men shun him. There is also his underlying anger, mostly born of fear. Other men sense this. He is so obviously not at ease in his own skin. He over-reacts, especially to any slight criticism. Other men soon learn the basic truth summed up by a very wise counselor, who once told me, "It's hard to hug a porcupine!"

   So his ears are either perked in constant high alert, or flattened with anger and frustration. His frustration, though constant, cannot be voiced, for an important reason. He cannot identify it! It is called denial. Denial, his most immediate and user friendly shock absorber against the painful shocks delivered at random from first his dysfunctional family of origin, and then from his alcoholic wife is at the same time his greatest barrier to finding relief.

So he becomes a mute coyote.  

   He must remain silent like the mute coyote. Coyotes remain silent lest they draw attention to themselves. Attention, to a man married to an alcoholic wife is synonymous with pain, and avoidance of pain has gradually become his sole moment to moment purpose. His tail is ever between his legs as though he is trying to make himself smaller. The wagging tail of his puppy hood...the spiked tail of high expectation has been replaced. A wagging or spiked tail would destroy his "cover."

If you can relate to this description, you may be another Al-Anon man. There is help. We are working to establish men's Al-Anon meetings all over this nation, because they are so badly needed. Call Al-Anon World Service Office to learn where the nearest men's Al-Anon meeting is in your area, ar for information about how to start one!

1-888-4AL-ANON or go to www.al-anon.org

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