How Hard Is It For A Man To Go To An Al-Anon Meeting?  

This tale is too extraordinary to be fiction.

   Al-Anon is a support group for people who are affected by someone else's drinking.  In 1976 I had a full-blown alcoholic wife at home drinking herself into oblivion every night. After months of "sneaking around," to meet with another man who had become my Al-Anon "sponsor, Barry T., he started insisting that I attend an Al-Anon meeting. Barry and a couple of other men had been attending Al-Anon meetings around Oklahoma City, but all of the rest of the people at meetings were women, with the "real men" attending the AA meeting, often across the hall. Barry's wife, Eleanor, was a regular at AA meetings.

   Sooner or later, Barry knew that I would have to start attending meetings if I was going to learn how to stop enabling Deb. That meant some day confronting Deb with her drinking. He also knew that my attending just one meeting in a small town 300 miles from my home while I was on a business trip "on the sly" was not enough to work this program!

   So Barry pinned me down on the phone one Thursday afternoon. He said that I needed to go to a meeting in Oklahoma City. He told me that there was a meeting that night at Doctor's Hospital. I finally made the commitment to him to show up at 8:00 and meet him at Doctor's Hospital. When I hung up the telephone I felt a hole in the pit of my stomach. I would have to somehow do this, and then I would have to admit to Deb that Al-Anon existed, that I had found it, and that I had "joined."

   What happened next is an illustration of how a male Al-Anon functions in his dysfunctional family on a daily basis. Notice as you read this that I was by now taking care of the greater part of the household and parenting duties. The first person to stroll through the door after school that day was Raymond, my oldest son. He off-handedly, over his shoulder, informed me that I was taking him and one of his buddies to Central Park Amusement Center. I was to take them right away. I told him that I couldn't do that because I couldn't pick them up later, as I had a meeting to attend at 8:00. Raymond flew into a rage.

"...what do you mean, you have a meeting?" I already told this guy that my Dad would drive us!" He stomped out of the kitchen.

   Then his younger brother came in from school. He asked, again, matter-of-factly, "what's for dinner?" I told him that I didn't know, and that I had to leave at 7:00 for a meeting. He was confused. "A meeting? What kind of a meeting, and who is going to make dinner?

   I went to the meeting, and it was a very eventful evening. As a newcomer (remember, this was only my second meeting after the one out of town), I was all ears. I don't even remember anything said at that meeting, but something happened after the meeting that I will never forget. After the meeting, one of the two other men in attendance approached me and started talking. I had no idea who he was, or what his situation was. Little did I realize that God was using me for His purposes, even during my second meeting! After he walked away, Barry approached and asked me something like this;

"What did he say/"

   I just relayed a few remarks, none of which I felt were significant. Scotty then told me this;

   "Did you read in the paper yesterday about the woman who killed herself by jumping from balcony floor of the Hilton Hotel downtown and landing on a Grand piano in the lobby?" I said;

"...no, I didn't read it."

Barry said, "...well, that guy you just talked to was her husband."

   Barry told me that this man had attended meetings for a while, and that, since there were only a handful of men in Al-Anon in all of Oklahoma City, he was pretty well known. Looking back on this now, I see this as extraordinary. Of all the people in that room, I was probably the only one who didn't know about this man's situation, and yet he approached me. I had no knowledge of miracles then, I had no faith, and almost no spirituality. A nuance that escaped me at the time, but that I can now see as an experienced Al-Anon, is that this man was 12-stepping me as a "newcomer." He had approached me to encourage me. Working his program in true fashion, even given the extraordinary circumstances of his own life, he told me to "keep coming back!" Only now after many years of working the program do I fathom his level of courage and selflessness.

   Yes, it was a knock-down fight that night when I told Deb where I had gone, and all about Al-Anon. Yes, she made me pay for many nights for breaking both of our denial about how much she drank. But that was the beginning of the rest of my real life.

   All these years later, I am still attending meetings. Now I have a fantastic wife whom I met in the program, and all of what we call "the promises" has come true. Deb is still doing exactly the same thing she was doing when I attended that first meeting...drinking herself into oblivion every night. However, there are some huge differences. Deb's body is almost destroyed now, she is alone and isolated from even her sons, and she is living in abject poverty. However, by the Grace of God and this Al-Anon program, I am not sitting next to her in the living room telling her that everything is going to be OK!