"...maybe we can just start over in Arizona," or

"...I'll take that promotion in the home office so that the extra money will take the pressure off of us," or

"...besides, everything has to get a lot better when we move closer to her family...her Mom will straighten her out once and for all!"

   There are at least three flaws in this solution to addiction. First, each move breaks the bonds just beginning to form where the family now lives. There is real glue holding together healthy families after spending years forming supportive relationships with neighbors, family, and friends. Also, built-in support systems like scouting and church gain in value with time.

   Second, even among the members for healthy families, a move is stressful. The strain imposed by having to adapt to new schools, neighbors, and regions has been well documented.

   The final and most significant factor stressing the family members in a geographical cure is always the disease of addiction itself. Everybody who moves brings themselves along with them for the ride. Dad still has his overachievement/control issues, little brother still wets the bed, and big sister is still trying to match wills with Mom. She has her teenager hormonal imbalance and mom has the unpredictable mood swings of any alcoholic. To borrow a line from that great old Eagle's Song, "...you're still the same old girl you used to be!"

Whereever the members of addicted families go, they take themselves and their disease with the. The geographical cure just does not work. Recovery through 12-step programs does work. If you can relate to this post and see that you and the members of your family have tried this and failed, why not try a 12-step recovery program instead? They work!

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out the web site www.al-anonalateen.org

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The  roles are:

The class clown draws attention away from the pain and dysfunction at home by entertaining others. This child is "cute." He or she is always truly immature, but plays up the immaturity to draw attention away from the big people who are the dangerous dysfunctional addicts. Inside this child is filled mostly with insecurity.

The disappearing child adopts other families and stays away from the fray at home, or disappears into his or her room and does solitary activities such as building models. This child is an extreme introvert. He or she is quiet and withdrawn, always avoiding social interaction. The favorite escape for this child is withdrawal into a fantasy world.

The scapegoat child acts out, gets into trouble, and gains attention while deflecting attention away from the addicted parents. This child is constantly in trouble. There is open defiance of authority, with anger the favorite escape. This child is most likely to sport an outrageous personal appearance utilizing whatever is currently "in," At the beginning of the 21^st century this is typically various body piercing, tattoos, the so-called "gothic" look, or maybe brightly colored spiked hair.

The hero child is the child who fantasizes that if he or she accomplishes enough, then the whole family will be "OK." This child is overly conscientious, conforms to all rules from authority, and constantly strives for approval. In spite of being a high achiever, the hero child always feels inadequate.

The Super enabler is the child usually closest to the addict emotionally. This child is the family "workhorse." Typically, if a daughter, this child assumes the household chores left undone by both the addict and the codependent. If a son, this child is constantly trying to protect his mother if the addict is his father. Inside he or she typically has low self-esteem, and there is much unexpressed anger. The favorite fantasy and role is that of the martyr, and this child is the one most likely to be presented to members of the medical profession because another favorite attention-getting device for the super enabler is hypochondria.

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...keep the yard clean

...literally "perform" for visitors to our home

...be the responsible one with the kids on the block

...keep my little brother "in line."

   But even if you follow all of these "rules," you as the hero child are doomed to perpetual disappointment. Here is what really happens;

...no matter how high the levels of achievement, it is never quite "good enough."      After years of struggling to be the good child, the other members of the family take your good performance for granted.

... Parents reward the "bad" scapegoat kid with their attention.

...little brothers and sisters still misbehave.

...the grownups are still sick with various forms of addiction

...other kids isolate the hero child with ridicule, labeling him the "goody two shoes"

So here is the point; if you were raised this way, you may be a highly successful person as an adult, but you are still carrying around a load of resentment and frustration. Get to an Al-Anon, ACOA, or Nar-A-Non meeting, work these steps with a good sponsor, and get out from under that load!

God loves you, and so do I.

Ken P.

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