Flavors of codependency

   The super-denier codependent

   The basic distinguishing characteristic of all the members in the addicted household is denial. Therefore, the first type of codependent is the type who has simply perfected denial. These people adoptevery excuse made by the alcoholic. They blame anybody else for the consequences inevitably suffered by the drinker. They even make up their own excuses. This kind of codependent supports their addict financially, and a major portion of time and energy is spent cleaning up every mess the addict makes. For example, when one divorce after another happens to their alcoholic son or daughter this type of codependent parent will always blame the failure of the latest marriage on the latest marriage partner. I have seen this role worked to a tee by elderly parents with an alcoholic child. You might have a single son in his thirties or even forties with two high functioning parents who have a surplus of money. Yes, Robby has just been left by his third wife, but she was never right for him anyway. Her mother never liked Robby. Her mother drove a wedge between Robby and his wife...his drinking was never the problem.

   Notice that these doting parents still call their adult son by his childhood name, and they still support him, not only financially, but emotionally. He calls his mother every day. One or both of his parents' daily existence still revolves around him. He gives them purpose. He also gives them commiseration and status from neighbors and other family members. "Henry and Cynthia are just wonderful people for taking care of that pitiful Robby after all of these years." If this couple doesn't get help with their codependency and finally allow their "child" to suffer the consequences of his or her behavior they will literally love their Robby to death.

   How far can this denial be taken? I have sponsored more than one Al-Anon man whose soon-to-be ex-wife continued charging on his credit cards while he continued paying the monthly bill.  Sometimes she was spending this money while dating other men! His denial was so strong that he just could not believe that money was all that was the only thing left that she wanted. Also, his denial would not let him accept that the marriage was really over. In at least three of these situations, when he cancelled the credit cards, she suddenly had a change of heart and granted him the divorce he had been seeking after months of delay. Incidentally, with the changes in roles that have happened during the past few decades this scenario is often reversed, with the high functioning codependent wife continuing to maintain a high-paying professional career while supporting a philandering addicted husband.

If you recognize yourself a a codependent acting out this flavoe of codependency, please get help for your own sake as well as that of the addict in your life. Call the Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non world service office, find out where the nearest meeting to you meets, and get yourself to a meeting...THIS WEEK!

Al-Anon; 1-888-4AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org