ADOLESCENTS AND LOVE ADDICTION

A 16 year old adolescent enters my office depressed and anxious with signs of chaos at home and in her personal relationships.  Her mother has brought her in because she has been acting out with self destructive behaviors and expressing she feels a profound feeling of "emptiness" and "abandonment."  Her boyfriend has recently rejected her breaking off their very intense six month relationship, which has left her in a tailspin.  Her mother is concerned with her recent behaviors such as isolation, withdrawal from her friends, skipping school, poor grades, and possibly traits of an eating disorder. In addition, her parents have recently separated leaving her parents mostly emotionally unavailable dealing with their own set of problems. 

Adolescence is a time when hormonal levels spike and infatuations can easily develop.  However, at times these infatuations can turn into what is termed a "love addiction."  Love addiction is being in an un-healthy relationship as a way for a troubled teen to cope with feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, abandonment, and a way to fulfill un-met needs from an earlier developmental stage.

This particular adolescent is particularly vulnerable due to the havoc of her parent's divorce and feeling invisible at home as a result.  However, this is also a time when adolescents are breaking away from their families of origin and developing autonomy, individuality, and social skills.  However, not having the safety and security of a home environment can leave an adolescent feeling lost and susceptible to peer pressure, promiscuity, drug or alcohol addiction, co-dependency, and a harmful addiction to a relationship. The relationship serves as a numbing out measure to deal with all of the adolescent's un-resolved issues. It is an attempt to find something external to fix the un-bearable emotional pain and discomfort of growing up in an un-healthy family or feeling ostracized from their peers. By grabbing onto the next best thing to make them feel whole and fulfilled, it is in-sufferable to imagine life without this other person.  It is as if this other person represents the fix and euphoria drugs bring to the addict.  It has also been shown that there are chemical changes in the brain of a love addict.   These fused relationships are a way of satisfying a thirst for security and a sense of belonging and losing this love object is seen as excruciating.

Unlike a healthy relationship where there are boundaries, trust, and a feeling of security and safety, the love addict's relationship is filled with obsession, jealousy, possessiveness, intense anxiety, and a feeling of always wanting more and never having enough of their love object's attention.  The adrenalin rush of these relationships causes intense withdrawal symptoms when the relationship ends just like the dope fiend who needs his drugs.  They are in continuous search for that next high replacing healthy intimacy with an un-healthy need for another relationship to make them feel whole.  This leaves a love addict vulnerable to staying in relationships at any costs even when they can jeopardize their safety and security.  Often these relationships can be both physically and emotionally abusive.  If an adolescents falls prey to these types of harmful relationships this can lead to a pattern of needy and clingy attachments in the future.  In addition, they may not only continue to be love addicts, but may use other anesthetizing  behaviors such as drug and alcohol addictions, eating disorders, self-mutilation, and/or other risky sexual behavior to avoid the discomfort they feel in their own skin.

It is imperative parents communicate with  their teens about these issues, as well as values and beliefs related to sexuality, healthy/un-healthy relationships, boundaries, be good role models,  and seek professional help if necessary.  Parents need to be diligent to the  warning signs of an adolescent suffering from a love addiction and place close attention to their  behaviors and if anything seems to be out of the ordinary, not to go into denial, but to face the problem head on.

PARENTING TIPS

• 1. Open dialogue with teens.
• 2. Utilize teachable moments such as watching television together or during meals to discuss difficult subjects.
• 3. Role model a healthy relationship.
• 4. Monitor their time on the internet including their activities such as My Space and who they are in contact with.
• 5. Look for the signs and symptoms such as depression, anxiety, mood swings, and self-destructive behaviors.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Psychotherapist and Life Coach specializes in addictions, divorce, single parenting, depression, anxiety, and helping clients find their life purpose.  She is a regular guest on Dr. Drew Live with Dr. Drew Pinsky on 12.60 KGIL.  She can be reached at 818-756-3338 or sherry@sgabatherapy.com or www.sgabatherapy.com. 

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MIDDLE AGED BABY BOOMERS AND ADDICTION

A woman enters my office disheveled, thin, mid forties, with hollow eyes.  It is as if the sparkle in her eyes ceased to exist a very long time ago.  She tells me she has been drinking and is using methamphetamines.  I am not surprised to hear this because lately my practice has been filled with middle aged baby boomers seeking help for their serious addictions.  Whether it is alcohol, cocaine, crack, methamphetamines, pain killers, heroine, or smoking marijuana, many have crossed the line into addiction.  Their lives have become unmanageable and they have lost their ability to control their use.  Some believe they can just cut down, but as addiction specialists, we know it is impossible once you have crossed that invisible line into dependency.   One of their defense mechanisms is "denial" so they can still continue their love affair with drugs or alcohol.  Addiction is the only disease that tells them in the most insidious of ways, "I don't have a problem or disease."  It can be very difficult treating someone who doesn't think they have a problem.  However, on some level this particular woman who landed in my office may already know an issue exists, but can't bare to admit it. 

So what brings this middle aged woman into see me with such desperation on her face?  Her husband has told her if she doesn't stop using, he will leave her and take the children with him.  She tells me she can't imagine not using meth. "It gives me energy to deal with my four kids and keeps my weight down."   I am sure it might be hard to believe that someone in middle age, a soccer mom and a wife feels this way.   It is no longer teenagers or urban minorities taking the lead, although there still is an epidemic of young addicts out there.   These  all American business men, stay at home moms, career women and even the elderly  are filling the treatment centers and therapists offices and some, never make it.   In a recent study, it was revealed that drug deaths from illicit drug over doses had risen 800 per cent since 1980.  One of the fastest growing abuses is pain killers with suburbia filled with these individuals.   It has long been known that there are many reasons for the abuse, but for the middle aged the reasons may be not only the genetic predisposition, but as a buffer to numb the pain of divorce, un-employment, an empty nest, retirement, trauma or illness.  Depression may be one of the biggest culprits to addiction, with it being the highest amongst the ages of 45 to 60.

The "free love" generation of "sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll" has taken a turn; many would have never expected drug addiction to be their legacy.  Often long standing drug abusers find when the marijuana stops working; they often go to stronger drugs.  For some it is losing their children, a job, a spouse, or homelessness that leads them to seek help.

If you think you have a problem or know someone who does, contact a therapist, psychiatrist, and or chemical dependency counselor to assess the problem.  You can also call one of your local alcohol or narcotics anonymous offices for resources.    There are 12 step meetings going on all day every day.  However, if the addiction or alcohol abuse is serious enough, a detox, a residential treatment center, or a dual diagnosis program may be the best treatment.  A dual diagnosis program works with patients who have not only an addiction, but a mental illness, as well.  The detox may be medically necessary and should always be assessed and treated.  Some of the signs of chemical dependency  include tolerance,  which is a need for increased amounts of the substance to get the desired effect,  withdrawal symptoms, a persistent desire to cut down or control the substance but can't, spending lots of time obtaining the substance, continued use despite psychological or physical problems.  And finally, social, occupational, and or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the substance use. 

There are many professionals out there to help. Just like the women who entered my office confused and ambivalent, a first step was taken in her battling the disease and beginning the recovery process.   

A graduate of USC, Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Life Coach who specializes in alcohol and drug abuse, divorce issues, single parent support, couples, families, and adolescents.  Her website is http://www.sgabatherapy.com/ and she can be reached at sherry@sgabatherapy.com or 818-756-3338.  She has offices in Agoura Hills, California.

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