Every addict and/or alcoholic wakes up every morning with this bag of pain hanging over his or her heart by a rope that is so tight that it only allows the sufferrer to take short shallow breaths. This pain is a 'mixed bag of goodies, but unlike a pinata that yields treats when it is broken, this one just sort of exudes misery like a foul vapor up into the nostrils. 

Through the years the addict has, through trial and error, found ways to loosen the rope, and sometimes to even take the bag off and hang it around the neck of anybody nearby. This is why it is so hard to be around addicts...they are constantly trying to shift their pain to you, and they have evolved amazingly clever and subtle ways to make this sick transfer.

 If you are in any level of proximity to an addict, keeping that bag of pain off of your own neck is impossible...at least without  help from others who have 'been there and understand. We Al-Anons, Nar-Anons, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are the others. We meet regularly and share our experience, strength, and hope. We spend hours discussing this subject, which we call DETACHMENT.

After many years of attending meetings, we have come to identify three distinct phases of detachment which are as follows: detachment with hatred, detachment with indifference, and detachment with love.

There is no shortcut through this process for somebody who has spent decades having the bag hung around their neck by another's disease. However, an important point that needs to be made here is this; even detachment with hatred is healthier for both the addict and the codependent than no detachment at all.

What am I saying here? I'm saying please;  reach out and ask for help from the rest of us. We are meeting every week in community centers, churches, coffee shops, libraries, homes, and sometimes just in a circle out under a big oak tree in the sun to help each other. Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or click on www.al-anon.alateen.org to find out when and where there is a meeting just for you!

 Ken P.

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     We have been screaming at the world through this blog that women are using more alcohol, drugs, and tobacco in the current generation than are men. This is a profound shift in social habit. Now, in an incredibly short period of time, that drinking is showing up in our culture in our most vulnerable age group...our newborns.

     Today, as you read this, for the first time ever, fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) is the number one cause of retardation in America...and probably elsewhere in the world as well. The cost of FAS in human terms is incalculable. The spirits of women destroyed from guilt because " ...just a few drinks" were consumed have been crushed, their marriages have been destroyed, and many have had to drive away after leaving their child in some brick building surrounded by green tiled walls. Economically? Well, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome costs more private and government dollars than any other mental defect.

   This has gotten so serious, so quickly, that the American Academy of Pediatrics last year made raising the awareness of the problem among high school and college age women their top priority. The AAP is one of the most respected of medical specialties. These professionals work long hard hours on behalf of children with less pay than most medical specialties because they, like the authors, just love kids. This is why, within the last year, the AAP has focused its efforts on identifying and preventing fetal alcohol syndrome. They have made it a major purpose to increase awareness of this tragic condition to women in the nation's high schools and colleges.

• Four times as many pregnant women drank frequently (7 or more drinks per week or 5 or more drinks on at least one occasion) in 1995 (3.5%) as in 1991 (0.8%) (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "Alcohol Consumption Among Pregnant and Childbearing-Aged Women--United States, 1991 and 1995," Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 4/25/97, p. 345).

   Do you want one last mind numbing fact to ponder tonight before you go to sleep? Guess what the number one symptom of fetal alcohol syndrome is in children whose mothers drank during pregnancy; give up? It is ADD, ADHD, or whatever you want to call that 'ants in the pants' behavior that causes our grammar school kids to line up every morning at school. One by one they march through the school nurse's office, eyes glazed, minds bouncing like ping pong balls, to receive their Ritalin!

   How can we stop this insanity? Please, stop enabling alcoholic women, people. Get yourself to a meeting of Al-Anon, Nar-A-Non, or Adult Children of Alcoholics tonight! There is a meeting probably less than five miles from your front door, it is free, and there is plenty of help there.

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or access www.al-anon.alateen.org to learn when and where that meeting is held.

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We have all heard that liars figure and figures lie, but when we started delving deeply into the data about women and alcoholism we found many figures that just didn't...well...figure!

   For example, when it comes to DUI's (or DWI's) the number of arrests never matches any data on the incidence of alcoholism among women as compared to men. The trends are certainly there;  in 1977 only 8% of DUI's were for women, and by 2007 that percentage had doubled to 15%.  But that still means that there are 85 DUI arrests for men for every 15 for women in a culture whose youngest generation (the ones proven to do most of the drinking) have a higher usage rate for alcohol among females than among males! We started digging to find out how this could happen.

   Here is what we found. The difference is not truly in the number of women who are stopped who could be arrested for DUI. The difference lies in factors involving the policeman making the decision about whether to arrest or not, and his personal biases!

   A study by the National Highway and Safety Administration (US DOT Report H5-801-230) shows clearly the real factors involved in Officer O'malley's decisions. Decisions like, does he put the cuffs on Grandma? How about that cute YUPPY on her way back from Happy Hour to her condo?

Here's the first quote from the DOT study.

   "The officer's personal use of alcohol is inversely related to his level of alcohol-related enforcement. Patrolmen who drink make significantly fewer arrests than those who do not, and those who drink frequently make significantly fewer arrests than those who use alcohol only occasionally."

 This says that all of us have a better chance of "skating" when stopped drunk if the officer himself is a drinker!

The study elaborates concerning women. It points out that most officers are male, and that they tend to decide not to arrest anybody who is less aggressive, also anybody who looks, acts, sounds, and smells like their wife, mother, grandmother, sister, or the girl next door!

Looking deeper into the stone, what is the most dangerous result of women not receiving the DUI's they clearly earn? It is this; dui's are red flags that alcoholism is a problem. Women, because they donnot receive them, are allowed to progress deeper into the disease of alcoholism before they show up on society's radar screen.

In future posts we will show the same denial among other professionals such as physicians, clergymen, judges and attorneys. When are we all going to stop denying and admit that our women are right now...in this generation...more often alcoholics and addicts than in any other gereration in the past? Put another way, do you really believe that the latest starlet with this problem is an exception?

 If you are a man living in denial about the alcoholism and/or addiction in a woman in your life, please get help. Call Al-Anon, a support group for family members of alcoholics at 1-888-4AL-ANON or visit www.al-anon.alateen.org right now!

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Ken P. and Bob T writing on The Codependent Man.

C:\Documents and Settings\Ken & Jody\My Documents\My Music\Unknown Artist\Unknown Album (10-15-2007 2-06-22 PM)

Men today represent only 15% of Al-Anons, that is, only 15% of the people attending Al-Anon meetings nationwide trying to get help for themselves with their enabling behaviors with various alcoholic people are men! And yet within the current generation of alcohol and drug users (14-22), the ladies are matching their male counterparts in addiction rates. Why this huge discrepancy? 

Here is what Ken P. says;

"When I came into Al-Anon in 1976 I was one of only about four men in all of the city of Houston who attended meetings regularly. Why?

Well, first, admitting I was powerless over anything was not even thinkable for me, given who I was and how I was raised. A real man does not just "accept" a bad situation...he DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Second, when I actually did attend a meeting (after my sponsor...one of the four guys) just hounded me until I did, I found what looked to me at that time like a secretive little meeting room full of women...most of them much older than I was. Besides, all of the "real men" were across the hall in AA laughing boisterously. Hey, I didn't want to BE an Al-Anon anyway, and after that first experience...well, thank God for my sponsor, who just refused to give up on my recovery!

Another major block to my attending meetings was that Al-Anon was definitely the territory of the woman...even more so in 1976 than today. Most men come to their first Al Anon 12 step recovery meeting filled with fear but also with hope that they will find a step wise, logical solution to the problem of addiction. Instead what they find is room full of women who are talking about their feelings. Very few men return after such an encounter. Al Anon was formed in the early days of AA when women decided to get together while their men were at AA meetings and was almost exclusively for women until the mid 1970's."

Here is Bob T on the subject;

 "Men are different from women in many respects beyond their use of language and this is especially true in how they react when faced with someone else's addiction. This entire blog is intended to provide help specifically for men and to fill a gap in recovery literature which is for the most part written by and for women. For example, Scott B., Ken P., and I have all three experienced frustration when attempting to find recovery literature and meetings that focus on how men think, feel and react to the disease of addiction. We have also heard many other men, both new and experienced in the recovery process, express this same frustration.

   Most men do not know what they are feeling and when they do, anger is usually the only feeling that is expressed. In addition, unlike women, they are not willing to share feelings in any setting much less in front of a group of Al-Anon women. 

   Men just think and act differently when confronted with addiction. They are driven to take action immediately rather than to talk about the problem with others as women generally do first. When repeated attempts to fix the problem fail, men become angry and frustrated thinking they are a failure. They also become confused because what has worked in the past to solve problems does not work when dealing with addiction. Men are consummate problem solvers at their workplace...they have to be in order to succeed. After repeated failures to "solve" the "problem" of addiction, guilt sets in and they become even more motivated to "solve the problem." I once heard this cycle described as what happens when a big bear picks up a burning hot garbage can, gets burned, gets madder, and therefore squeezes harder!

   While men react by controlling, raging and taking action, women tend to try to be better wives or mothers, do more for the addict and redouble their efforts to use nurturing to solve the problem. Given these differences in how men and women feel, think and react when confronted with addiction, it follows that men also approach recovery differently than women.

   In addition, almost all the literature available on recovery for people living with addiction is written by women. As a result, men usually do not connect with the principles of the Al Anon 12 step program when they first encounter them at a meeting or in reading the available literature. They first need to be able to relate to a man who is or has been in their situation and learn they are not alone in how they feel and react to the disease of addiction.

   Every Monday night now we attend a Men's Al-Anon meeting in our hometown of about 80,000 people, and we are three of 20-25 men...laughing boisterously! We are in all levels of recovery, we have many different "qualifiers" (wives, sons, mothers, brothers, even bosses), but we are all there participating in our own recovery process. Yes, the flavor of the meeting is distinctively different from most meetings, but we have learned that resentful is resentful, and that it hurts the one doing the resenting regardless of sex...the same with fear, embarrassment, disgust and bankruptcy, none of which are any fun whether you call yourself John or Carol.

   We all three urge you. If you are a man reading this who suspects that you have a person addicted to anything...alcohol, drugs (hallucinogens, opiates, marijuana, or prescription drugs) food, sex, work...or shopping, please get some help. It's out there.

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   Denial is the favorite device for self-protection for everybody in an addicted household...the addict, the codependent spouse, the sick reactive children, even the enabling figures around the family like bosses and neighbors.

This is a special form of insanity. How can there be a problem, if we simply refuse to admit it? We enablers of addicts are just as self-deluding as our counterparts in the addiction dance. We know that "we are special", and that the laws of physics somehow do not apply to us.

   But here is the rub. Reality keeps intruding into our delusion. The cops show up. There are DUI's. We end up in the ER bleeding through our guts from perforated ulcers just like the addict. It isn't always as dramatic as this. More commonly there are many days of work lost. How many cases of "liquid flu" have been reported by anxious spouses to bosses who want to believe them when everybody knows somewhere deep inside that somebody who is not in this conversation got loaded last night!

As the enabler, on the surface you feel confused. "So what's the deal? I always tried to do my best, I was always the good kid, I kept my nose clean, I always kept a job and payed my taxes. Why is my life such a mess?"

 The second step used by the millions living by the 12-step programs so popular throughout the world today says;

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

   Until insanity is acknowledged, recovery is impossible. At meetings we admit our insane behavior and thinking out loud in a safe place. Other recovering people nod their heads as we describe raging at a person who isn't even mentally present. Other Al-Anons smile as we tell of sleeping fully clothed so that we can be ready to bound out of bed and head for the emergency that we just know is going to happen tonight while our addicted son is "out there" in harm's way.  

   Until you "suit up and show up" at a meeting, you will be doomed to living in your own head. That marble keeps rolling anround and around through the same insane groove until you ask for help. You may someday accept the fact that the only sane approach to living with an addict is to admit that you cannot handle it alone, then go out and ask for help from people who have been there.

 Anything else...anything after "yes but," is insanity!

If you are honestly searching for a better life in the face of these realities, PLEASE...contact Al-Anon and find a meeting. There is probably one within walking distance of your house as you read this that meets every week! 

Al-Anon QWorld Service Office, 1-888-4-AL-ANON, or see their web site at www.al-anon.alateen.org.

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   The simple truth is that only a year ago we all came together to attend the funeral and mourn the death of John, our oldest son, and Betty's brother-in-law, from addiction. That reminded us all that we have people in our family who have problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, ADD, eating disorders, nicotine, etc. It also reminded us that addiction can lead to death! Now Carol and I recently learned that now John's younger brother, Tim, Betty's husband, is admitting that his doctor is telling him that his liver is showing signs of alcoholic liver disease. We were told that Tim tried so hard to do what his doctor told him to do. He drank gallons of water every day in an attempt to clear his liver of the poisons, and he even cut back on his drinking! Now with his doctor reporting some improvement, I can tell you, as a recovering alcoholic myself with over twenty years of sobriety, that Tim interpreted that news as "...I am cured, and now I can return to normal drinking"(whatever that is).

   Drugs and alcohol have gotten most of my attention during the past twenty years because I have had to work so hard to overcome my own addictions through the 12-Step Programs. Yes, I suffered from ADD as a child back in the days when kids who had trouble focusing were just called lazy. But so much has been learned since those days, and if we really do love each other as much as we say we do in this family, shouldn't we each arm ourselves with as much information as possible about any disease that is harming us?

   So how do we help Tim? How do we stop Tim from destroying himself and breaking all of our hearts...again? The tragic truth is this; we can't! I have learned the hard way that there is no human power that can stop an alcoholic from taking the next drink. Tim has wondered out loud to me if he can quit, so how on earth could one of us imagine that we could somehow make him quit? Tim is in the grip of a disease that creates a powerful mental and emotional compulsion to drink alcohol. That compulsion renders him incapable of asking for help. And yet, until he does just that, nothing can be done for him!

   This brings us squarely to the question; what can we do? First, we can take care to take care of ourselves. This is a family disease and we each have a piece in it. We can seek help from others who have "been there" through community support groups like AA, Nar-A-Non and Al-Anon. I am leading our family by example, and have learned so much by getting out of Tim's way. I learned this after about two years of attending a men's Al-Anon meeting in our community. I know now that I must allow Tim the dignity of making his own decisions. By learning and growing ourselves we never harm another person. By learning through a program like A-Anon to detach with love we can give Tim a fighting chance to reach his own bottom and then reach out for help. Tim needs a family that is recovering along side him as they cheer him...not a bunch of deniers who continue enabling him while keeping those fake painted smiles on their faces. We need people who give thanks to God every morning that we are still alive, who are big enough to say "but for the grace of God there go I!"

   Here are some skills to develop that may help you. These are the combined experience of millions like us who have had to cope with addiction problems in their families.

Do's.

Do learn the facts about alcoholism.

Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.

Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or an alcoholism center.

Do develop an attitude to match the facts.

D take a personal inventory of yourself.

Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.

Do encourage new activities.

Don'ts

Don't preach or lecture.

Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic.

Don't have a "holier than thou" attitude.

Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal.

Don't make threats you won't carry out.

Don't hide liquor or pour it out.

Don't resent the method of recovery

Don't expect immediate contented sobriety.

Don't try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.

Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make.

You may change to word alcohol to drug of choice wherever you wish.

A parent never knows how a child will finally come out. When I took my own careful inventory as part of my recovery process I had to look at the example I set for my children. I taught them that alcohol relieved perceived stress. I made alcohol the center of all family get-togethers. I demonstrated that we could not enjoy a meal out or a party without alcohol present. That is how I was taught, and I just passed it along to the next generation.

   My Dad had terrible depression bouts. He would get so hateful that nobody could stand him. He was never totally incapacitated by his disease, but his moods swings had a great deal to do with all of our fears and inability to cope with reality. Don't get me wrong. I do not blame my Dad for my own derelictions, but I am aware of how far back this disease goes in our family. The insanity that I am trying to stop with this letter is this; we just keep doing the same things generation after generation while hoping that somehow we will get a different result.

   Society accepts now that ADD is cause by a mental/chemical imbalance, and some day it is likely to learn the same about alcoholism. People are getting help now for their ADD. Young people throughout our family with ADD are being treated with drugs that help them, and those accepting treatment are becoming excellent students. Until we can do the same with addiction, shouldn't we do everything we can during this generation to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?

   I am through with living in shame for our family warts. I am tired of sweeping these things under the rug as we continue in lock step to destruction. For this year, and for the coming years, let's stop hiding our deficiencies. Let's celebrate that we can now identify them...that we can hold them up to the light and start to correct them! Let's ask God in unison to give us the strength to deal honestly with each other, and to seek help when we need it. We have another member of our family who needs help in 2008, but is not capable of asking for it. Let's not allow another tragedy to happen to another loved-one because we all failed to see the problem while failing to support the solution.

   I love all of you, with my whole heart and soul. I am proud of each of you. You are completely acceptable to me, and to my God, just as you are, but we can all get well. Why don't we get well together...as the family that we are?

Dad.

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   Notice that these doting parents still call their adult son by his childhood name, and they still support him, not only financially, but emotionally. He calls his mother every day. One or both of his parents' daily existence still revolves around him. He gives them purpose. He also gives them commiseration and status from neighbors and other family members. "Henry and Cynthia are just wonderful people for taking care of that pitiful Robby after all of these years." If this couple doesn't get help with their codependency and finally allow their "child" to suffer the consequences of his or her behavior they will literally love their Robby to death.

   How far can this denial be taken? I have sponsored more than one Al-Anon man whose soon-to-be ex-wife continued charging on his credit cards while he continued paying the monthly bill.  Sometimes she was spending this money while dating other men! His denial was so strong that he just could not believe that money was all that was the only thing left that she wanted. Also, his denial would not let him accept that the marriage was really over. In at least three of these situations, when he cancelled the credit cards, she suddenly had a change of heart and granted him the divorce he had been seeking after months of delay. Incidentally, with the changes in roles that have happened during the past few decades this scenario is often reversed, with the high functioning codependent wife continuing to maintain a high-paying professional career while supporting a philandering addicted husband.

If you recognize yourself a a codependent acting out this flavoe of codependency, please get help for your own sake as well as that of the addict in your life. Call the Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non world service office, find out where the nearest meeting to you meets, and get yourself to a meeting...THIS WEEK!

Al-Anon; 1-888-4AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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   Maybe in the early days the drunk or hung over wife's husband will cover for her by doing routine chores. He prepares more meals, washes more clothes, or stands in as the only parent during back-to-school night. Here is the husband taking his kids to the pediatrician, or playing with them at the park while mom is at home throwing up, or, less dramatically, she's "...just too tired." These are what my sons and I used to call "one of those Saturdays."

Those Saturdays start like this.

"You guys just go ahead and go. I have to stay home with this headache."

   The reasons for the headache are as diverse as the alcoholic's imagination, but whenever she manages to shift her guilt to anybody else (usually her husband and/or kids), she makes them responsible instead of her alcoholism. And they all accept the terms!

   The husband hears her bad mood like this;

"She is mad at me because of the fight we had last night when I said that awful thing about her mother."

   The oldest daughter, who is probably in the super-enabler role, might interpret this as;

"Mom is upset this morning because I didn't do enough of the housework yesterday."

   Little brother, who might be in the disappearing child or mascot role might translate;

"Mommy is mad because I wet the bed again last night and she has to stay home to wash the sheets."

   The important truth that they all must ignore is that none of their guilt-ridden reasons apply. Their mother and wife has gone months now without feeling good. She hurts inside...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. She lives in a world parallel to that of her husband, where the single goal each moment is to minimize pain. But for her part,  she has the added burden of minimizing the pain while planning every event to coincide with her need for the security she knows only the bottle can provide.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so GET SOME HELP!

Call 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out www.al-anonalateen.org

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Do develop an attitude to match the facts

Do take a personal inventory of yourself

Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home

Do encourage new interests and activities

Don'ts

Don't preach or lecture

Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic

Don't have a 'holier than thou' attitude

Don't use the 'if you loved me' appeal

Don't make threats you won't carry out

Don't hide liquor or pour it out

Don't resent the method of recovery

Don't expect immediate contented sobriety

Don't try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol

Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make.

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     The father of an addicted daughter, for example, faces a gut wrenching dilemma when he must accept that he can no longer protect and make things OK for his little girl. This dilemma goes right to the core of a father’s basic instincts and his perceived role as a man. After numerous failures to “help” his daughter he typically takes on an equally powerful motivator to continue to “help”. This motivator is guilt and is the result of thinking that he is a failure as a father and as a man. He finds many justifications for continuing to “help” including thinking that this time it will work and that, as a father and a man, he simply must continue to try to do something. Taking some kind of action also provides temporary relief from the pain of watching his daughter suffer. So how does he get out of this dilemma?

     The single most important thing is to accept that his daughter has a disease over which he has absolutely no control or power. This acceptance must occur in his mind, heart and soul or he will be pulled back to the instinctive protective mode. Once the acceptance has occurred, he can move on to the next step which is separating his daughter from her disease. He learns that he can love his daughter but hate the disease. This distinction then allows him to discern what is enabling versus what is helping and loving. Often by this time he has lost sight of the beautiful person his daughter is and becomes focused entirely on her behavior. It can be helpful to think about and write a letter about his daughter’s good qualities and even more helpful to both he and his daughter to give her this letter.

Bob T

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