My sponsor is working hard to expand me beyond the life I live now, which is almost exclusively "in my head." He tells me that I must transcend the barriers erected within me by decades of faulty programming for an American male and access the feeling part of me. In his words, "Ken, you can do all of the thinking you want, but until you start doing some feeling, you are limited. This is because it is the feeling part of you that 'drives your bus.'"

    OK. I've written over 40 posts in this blog site using almost entirely my head, so it is time to step out and make a sunstantial personal gamble. I did learn one acceptable means of expressing feelings as I grew up from the members of my nuclear family, and that was through music. Yes, we had alcoholism rampant throughout the family...even right down the street, and for literally generations back. But we still had our music. Almost every Sunday after church we would gather at somebody's house with guitars, fiddles, harmonicas, pianos, and some of the most incredible vocal harmony among cousins I have ever heard. Hank Williams' latest hit might be attempted bracketed by Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross.  In truth, not a one of us could read a note of music. We considered people who had to have their music handicapped!

   Through our music, in spite of everything, we showed each other that we all loved each other.

   Since those early years, I've learned that music touches me, and others, sometimes at a deeper level than words. I've studied music now formally, played it on various instruments, and written it  for years. This work has rendered me capable of expressing feelings using the combination of composed music with lyrics (i.e., a song). Hey, it's better than not expressing them at all, and you don't have to shed all of those messy tears!

   In 1989 I wrote the song that I am attaching to this post to describe the feelings I remembered as I sat in the livingroom next to my now X-wife, who had been drinking since about 3:00 that afternoon. In other words, I was totally alone.  

   In 1989, I still had fear of being discovered as a codependent man, so, in order to remain totally anonymous, I wrote the song as a female vocal.

   I had the song recorded by Larry Beaird. Larry was and is an incredible musicians and man. He now operates what I believe is the best demo studio in Nashville. Since that time, I have grown to accept my codependency, and to realize that loneliness is loneliness, whether your name is Ken or Katie!

   I'll include the lyics of the song here in case you cannot play the music for technical reasons and wish to view the piece as merely a poem. The song is now available through You-Tunes under my site (TexasKenP). You might want to download the digital music file and to read the lyrics as you listen to the country musc; that might make the song even more meaningful. I hope you enjoy my work, and feel free to pass it to anybody "out there" who it might touch.

 

Alone With You Sittin' Right Next To Me

Copyright 1989, Ken P.

Life was sweet, when I thought I had some-one.

We were young, and you thought I hung the sun.

But now we're home a-lone, you're on the phone,

or watchin' no-thin', on TV.

I'm Alone With You Sittin' Right Next To Me!

(musical interlude)

Ev-en when you're there, you're not there,

You sit and stare right through me.

Or you're pourin' down booze, you seem to choose,

Any-thing to set you free

Ev-en when we're lyin' face to face,

You're not here in-side my space,

I'm Alone With You Sinnin' Right Next To Me!

(musical interlude)

Ev-en when we're lyin' face to face,

You're not here in-side my space,

I'm A-lone With You Sittin' Right Next To Me!

Time's run out, it's sad for us to pre-tend.

IT'S MY LIFE! I'm sayin,'

Let's let us end.

There were no guar-an-tees, the used-to be's

Are not enough. I set you free, 'cause

I'm Alone With You Sittin Right Next To Me!

Af-ter years of pain, 'yea it's a shame,

I have to cut my losses and run.

Don't ask me to stay, each prescious day,

I could be havin' fun,

So you'll have to find you some-one else,

or just sit here by your-self.

I won't be A-lone With You Sittin' Right Next To me.

You'll have to find you some-one else,

I re-fuse to DIE HERE on your shelf,

I won't be A-lone With You Sittin Right Next To Me.

I won't be A-lone With You Sittin' Right Next To me!

P. S.

If you have a second cousin who knows an artist like Dolly Parton (or maybe even Eric Clampton), please pass this music and the next 20 songs that I embed through my blog. If they record the material and we make a few bucks, we'll spend them on building a decent half-way house here in our county!

Take care,

Ken P.