ADOLESCENTS AND LOVE ADDICTION

A 16 year old adolescent enters my office depressed and anxious with signs of chaos at home and in her personal relationships.  Her mother has brought her in because she has been acting out with self destructive behaviors and expressing she feels a profound feeling of "emptiness" and "abandonment."  Her boyfriend has recently rejected her breaking off their very intense six month relationship, which has left her in a tailspin.  Her mother is concerned with her recent behaviors such as isolation, withdrawal from her friends, skipping school, poor grades, and possibly traits of an eating disorder. In addition, her parents have recently separated leaving her parents mostly emotionally unavailable dealing with their own set of problems. 

Adolescence is a time when hormonal levels spike and infatuations can easily develop.  However, at times these infatuations can turn into what is termed a "love addiction."  Love addiction is being in an un-healthy relationship as a way for a troubled teen to cope with feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, abandonment, and a way to fulfill un-met needs from an earlier developmental stage.

This particular adolescent is particularly vulnerable due to the havoc of her parent's divorce and feeling invisible at home as a result.  However, this is also a time when adolescents are breaking away from their families of origin and developing autonomy, individuality, and social skills.  However, not having the safety and security of a home environment can leave an adolescent feeling lost and susceptible to peer pressure, promiscuity, drug or alcohol addiction, co-dependency, and a harmful addiction to a relationship. The relationship serves as a numbing out measure to deal with all of the adolescent's un-resolved issues. It is an attempt to find something external to fix the un-bearable emotional pain and discomfort of growing up in an un-healthy family or feeling ostracized from their peers. By grabbing onto the next best thing to make them feel whole and fulfilled, it is in-sufferable to imagine life without this other person.  It is as if this other person represents the fix and euphoria drugs bring to the addict.  It has also been shown that there are chemical changes in the brain of a love addict.   These fused relationships are a way of satisfying a thirst for security and a sense of belonging and losing this love object is seen as excruciating.

Unlike a healthy relationship where there are boundaries, trust, and a feeling of security and safety, the love addict's relationship is filled with obsession, jealousy, possessiveness, intense anxiety, and a feeling of always wanting more and never having enough of their love object's attention.  The adrenalin rush of these relationships causes intense withdrawal symptoms when the relationship ends just like the dope fiend who needs his drugs.  They are in continuous search for that next high replacing healthy intimacy with an un-healthy need for another relationship to make them feel whole.  This leaves a love addict vulnerable to staying in relationships at any costs even when they can jeopardize their safety and security.  Often these relationships can be both physically and emotionally abusive.  If an adolescents falls prey to these types of harmful relationships this can lead to a pattern of needy and clingy attachments in the future.  In addition, they may not only continue to be love addicts, but may use other anesthetizing  behaviors such as drug and alcohol addictions, eating disorders, self-mutilation, and/or other risky sexual behavior to avoid the discomfort they feel in their own skin.

It is imperative parents communicate with  their teens about these issues, as well as values and beliefs related to sexuality, healthy/un-healthy relationships, boundaries, be good role models,  and seek professional help if necessary.  Parents need to be diligent to the  warning signs of an adolescent suffering from a love addiction and place close attention to their  behaviors and if anything seems to be out of the ordinary, not to go into denial, but to face the problem head on.

PARENTING TIPS

• 1. Open dialogue with teens.
• 2. Utilize teachable moments such as watching television together or during meals to discuss difficult subjects.
• 3. Role model a healthy relationship.
• 4. Monitor their time on the internet including their activities such as My Space and who they are in contact with.
• 5. Look for the signs and symptoms such as depression, anxiety, mood swings, and self-destructive behaviors.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Psychotherapist and Life Coach specializes in addictions, divorce, single parenting, depression, anxiety, and helping clients find their life purpose.  She is a regular guest on Dr. Drew Live with Dr. Drew Pinsky on 12.60 KGIL.  She can be reached at 818-756-3338 or sherry@sgabatherapy.com or www.sgabatherapy.com.