The simple truth is that only a year ago we all came together to attend the funeral and mourn the death of John, our oldest son, and Betty's brother-in-law, from addiction. That reminded us all that we have people in our family who have problems with drugs, alcohol, depression, ADD, eating disorders, nicotine, etc. It also reminded us that addiction can lead to death! Now Carol and I recently learned that now John's younger brother, Tim, Betty's husband, is admitting that his doctor is telling him that his liver is showing signs of alcoholic liver disease. We were told that Tim tried so hard to do what his doctor told him to do. He drank gallons of water every day in an attempt to clear his liver of the poisons, and he even cut back on his drinking! Now with his doctor reporting some improvement, I can tell you, as a recovering alcoholic myself with over twenty years of sobriety, that Tim interpreted that news as "...I am cured, and now I can return to normal drinking"(whatever that is).

   Drugs and alcohol have gotten most of my attention during the past twenty years because I have had to work so hard to overcome my own addictions through the 12-Step Programs. Yes, I suffered from ADD as a child back in the days when kids who had trouble focusing were just called lazy. But so much has been learned since those days, and if we really do love each other as much as we say we do in this family, shouldn't we each arm ourselves with as much information as possible about any disease that is harming us?

   So how do we help Tim? How do we stop Tim from destroying himself and breaking all of our hearts...again? The tragic truth is this; we can't! I have learned the hard way that there is no human power that can stop an alcoholic from taking the next drink. Tim has wondered out loud to me if he can quit, so how on earth could one of us imagine that we could somehow make him quit? Tim is in the grip of a disease that creates a powerful mental and emotional compulsion to drink alcohol. That compulsion renders him incapable of asking for help. And yet, until he does just that, nothing can be done for him!

   This brings us squarely to the question; what can we do? First, we can take care to take care of ourselves. This is a family disease and we each have a piece in it. We can seek help from others who have "been there" through community support groups like AA, Nar-A-Non and Al-Anon. I am leading our family by example, and have learned so much by getting out of Tim's way. I learned this after about two years of attending a men's Al-Anon meeting in our community. I know now that I must allow Tim the dignity of making his own decisions. By learning and growing ourselves we never harm another person. By learning through a program like A-Anon to detach with love we can give Tim a fighting chance to reach his own bottom and then reach out for help. Tim needs a family that is recovering along side him as they cheer him...not a bunch of deniers who continue enabling him while keeping those fake painted smiles on their faces. We need people who give thanks to God every morning that we are still alive, who are big enough to say "but for the grace of God there go I!"

   Here are some skills to develop that may help you. These are the combined experience of millions like us who have had to cope with addiction problems in their families.

Do's.

Do learn the facts about alcoholism.

Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism.

Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or an alcoholism center.

Do develop an attitude to match the facts.

D take a personal inventory of yourself.

Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.

Do encourage new activities.

Don'ts

Don't preach or lecture.

Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic.

Don't have a "holier than thou" attitude.

Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal.

Don't make threats you won't carry out.

Don't hide liquor or pour it out.

Don't resent the method of recovery

Don't expect immediate contented sobriety.

Don't try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol.

Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make.

You may change to word alcohol to drug of choice wherever you wish.

A parent never knows how a child will finally come out. When I took my own careful inventory as part of my recovery process I had to look at the example I set for my children. I taught them that alcohol relieved perceived stress. I made alcohol the center of all family get-togethers. I demonstrated that we could not enjoy a meal out or a party without alcohol present. That is how I was taught, and I just passed it along to the next generation.

   My Dad had terrible depression bouts. He would get so hateful that nobody could stand him. He was never totally incapacitated by his disease, but his moods swings had a great deal to do with all of our fears and inability to cope with reality. Don't get me wrong. I do not blame my Dad for my own derelictions, but I am aware of how far back this disease goes in our family. The insanity that I am trying to stop with this letter is this; we just keep doing the same things generation after generation while hoping that somehow we will get a different result.

   Society accepts now that ADD is cause by a mental/chemical imbalance, and some day it is likely to learn the same about alcoholism. People are getting help now for their ADD. Young people throughout our family with ADD are being treated with drugs that help them, and those accepting treatment are becoming excellent students. Until we can do the same with addiction, shouldn't we do everything we can during this generation to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem?

   I am through with living in shame for our family warts. I am tired of sweeping these things under the rug as we continue in lock step to destruction. For this year, and for the coming years, let's stop hiding our deficiencies. Let's celebrate that we can now identify them...that we can hold them up to the light and start to correct them! Let's ask God in unison to give us the strength to deal honestly with each other, and to seek help when we need it. We have another member of our family who needs help in 2008, but is not capable of asking for it. Let's not allow another tragedy to happen to another loved-one because we all failed to see the problem while failing to support the solution.

   I love all of you, with my whole heart and soul. I am proud of each of you. You are completely acceptable to me, and to my God, just as you are, but we can all get well. Why don't we get well together...as the family that we are?

Dad.

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   Notice that these doting parents still call their adult son by his childhood name, and they still support him, not only financially, but emotionally. He calls his mother every day. One or both of his parents' daily existence still revolves around him. He gives them purpose. He also gives them commiseration and status from neighbors and other family members. "Henry and Cynthia are just wonderful people for taking care of that pitiful Robby after all of these years." If this couple doesn't get help with their codependency and finally allow their "child" to suffer the consequences of his or her behavior they will literally love their Robby to death.

   How far can this denial be taken? I have sponsored more than one Al-Anon man whose soon-to-be ex-wife continued charging on his credit cards while he continued paying the monthly bill.  Sometimes she was spending this money while dating other men! His denial was so strong that he just could not believe that money was all that was the only thing left that she wanted. Also, his denial would not let him accept that the marriage was really over. In at least three of these situations, when he cancelled the credit cards, she suddenly had a change of heart and granted him the divorce he had been seeking after months of delay. Incidentally, with the changes in roles that have happened during the past few decades this scenario is often reversed, with the high functioning codependent wife continuing to maintain a high-paying professional career while supporting a philandering addicted husband.

If you recognize yourself a a codependent acting out this flavoe of codependency, please get help for your own sake as well as that of the addict in your life. Call the Al-Anon or Nar-A-Non world service office, find out where the nearest meeting to you meets, and get yourself to a meeting...THIS WEEK!

Al-Anon; 1-888-4AL-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org

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     The father of an addicted daughter, for example, faces a gut wrenching dilemma when he must accept that he can no longer protect and make things OK for his little girl. This dilemma goes right to the core of a father’s basic instincts and his perceived role as a man. After numerous failures to “help” his daughter he typically takes on an equally powerful motivator to continue to “help”. This motivator is guilt and is the result of thinking that he is a failure as a father and as a man. He finds many justifications for continuing to “help” including thinking that this time it will work and that, as a father and a man, he simply must continue to try to do something. Taking some kind of action also provides temporary relief from the pain of watching his daughter suffer. So how does he get out of this dilemma?

     The single most important thing is to accept that his daughter has a disease over which he has absolutely no control or power. This acceptance must occur in his mind, heart and soul or he will be pulled back to the instinctive protective mode. Once the acceptance has occurred, he can move on to the next step which is separating his daughter from her disease. He learns that he can love his daughter but hate the disease. This distinction then allows him to discern what is enabling versus what is helping and loving. Often by this time he has lost sight of the beautiful person his daughter is and becomes focused entirely on her behavior. It can be helpful to think about and write a letter about his daughter’s good qualities and even more helpful to both he and his daughter to give her this letter.

Bob T

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