Just let me do it!

 

     For American men in particular it is especially difficult to step aside and let somebody else do anything.   Why is this? This is because of what we were taught from birth, who our parents were, and our built-in cultural bias that favors self-sufficiency.

     First, the people who settled America at the outset were not typical of those who made up the population where they were born. This situation has been studied and documented throughout history, so I need not belabor the point, but there is and since the beginning of American history there existed a distinctly American personality. That personality has been celebrated in many forms for its self-sufficiency.

     Second, those who study the archetypical man have identified him as an independent soul. An archetype is defined by Webster as follows:

1.       The original pattern, or model, from which all other things of the same kind are made; prototype.  2.  a perfect example of a type or group.

     Going back to oral histories of primitive cultures, on through the earliest written documents depicting the differences between men and women, there has emerged an archetype for a man. Poets, artists, psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, historians…all of these disciplines have divided the sexes into the two archetypes. The following chart developed by Dr. Herbert Agan summarizes the overarching bent of each of the sexes. It was taken from Dr. Agan’s course titled Psychology of Gender from The University of Houston, which was recently filmed and aired over PBS television.

 

Over arching bent:

Men	Women
hierarchical competitive mastery of skills achievement oriented aggressive	egalitarian cooperative receptive relationship oriented process oriented in touch with nature

 

    I believe that our current state of affairs with men assuming the role of the enabler to alcoholic and the addicted family members in their lives, especially the women who they love, stems in large part from the above two deeply rooted archetypes. But here is the real issue; women are drinking more now than ever in history, as the following shocking studies indicate, and we men’s  enabling codependent behavior is allowing them to die of their alcoholism earlier than their mothers or grandmothers.

   As recently as June of 2008, a massive study was published documenting the increase in alcohol dependence among younger women since the end of World War II.  Led by Richard A. Grucza, the researchers examined the National Longitudinal Alcohol Epidemiologic Survey (NLAES), conducted in 1991 and 1992 and the National Epidemiological Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC), conducted in 2001 and 2002. They compared lifetime prevalence rates from the same age groups and demographics, while controlling for age-related factors.

     Women born between 1954 and 1963 were at 1.2-fold higher odds for lifetime drinking and those who drank were at 1.5-fold higher odds for lifetime alcohol dependence, compared with those born between 1944 and 1953.

     “We found that for women born after WWII, there are lower levels of abstaining from alcohol, and higher levels of alcohol dependence, even when looking only at women who drank,” said Grucza in a news release. “However, we didn’t see any significant tendency for more recently born men to have lower levels of abstention, or higher levels of alcohol dependence.”

     Grucza said these results shed more light on a “closing gender-gap in alcoholism,” due to higher levels of problems among women, while men have been more or less steady in their levels of alcohol dependence.

     These researchers list five factors that they speculate have led to this jump in alcohol usage rates among women:

1.       It became more socially acceptable for women to drink.

2.       More women entered the workforce,

3.       More women went to college,

4.       Women were less hampered by gender stereotypes, and

5.       Women had more purchasing power.

     I am suggesting a sixth factor based on shorter-term more recent studies showing 14-22 women today matching their male counterparts in the use of alcohol, tobacco, and both legal and illegal drugs. We men, as police officers (see earlier blog post, “Why Grandma Doesn’t Get A DUI), attorneys, judges, physicians (see earlier blog “Doctor shopping Among Alcoholic Women), and clergy, husbands, boyfriends, sons, etc. continue to run interference for the ladies. We have to stop that and allow them to experience the consequences of their increased alcohol and drug usage. Only in that way will those bottoms be reached, forcing more women into recovery.

     If you are a man who is enabling a woman to destroy herself with alcohol, please get help from a community resource such as Al-Anon (dial 1-888-4AL-ANON or access www.al-anonalateen.org), or reach out to any one of thousands of capable treatment centers, rehabilitation facilities, or hospital programs.  PLEASE!

The Guilt PAYOFF!

We do what we want to do and call it by what sounds best. Before recovery, that worked for me. For example;

"What man wouldn't take every corporate travel assignment he could to stay away from his family if he had an alcoholic wife at home?"

Inside I even went one step further to make sure I could continue doing what I wanted to do; I punished myself with guilt. The thinking went something like this;

"Yes, I know I'm not spending quality time one-on-one with my sons, but I just feel terrible about that, and besides, to make up for it I volunteer for all sorts of Dad Stuff in Little League every weekend."

This allowed me to do another thing that I thought I wanted to do. I could look great on the outside to the neighbors, family (and myself), while continuing to fill the hero child role that I had perfected growing up in a dysfunctional family. My truth was this simple.
You are what you appear to be, not what you are.
Now I can see the price that I paid for these bogus payoffs. I gave up the most prescious gifts that I had at the time: my presence, my now, my SELF. I lost these to the twin diseases of addiction and codependency.

Now I understand at the deepest level the price that I paid. Now I know these two simple truths:

I always did what thought I wanted to do, and GUILT SUCKS!

The Guilt PAYOFF!

We do what we want to do and call it by what sounds best. Before recovery, that worked for me. For example;

"What man wouldn't take every corporate travel assignment he could to stay away from his family if he had an alcoholic wife at home?"

Inside I even went one step further to make sure I could continue doing what I wanted to do; I punished myself with guilt. The thinking went something like this;

"Yes, I know I'm not spending quality time one-on-one with my sons, but I just feel terrible about that, and besides, to make up for it I volunteer for all sorts of Dad Stuff in Little League every weekend."

This allowed me to do another thing that I thought I wanted to do. I could look great on the outside to the neighbors, family (and myself), while continuing to fill the hero child role that I had perfected growing up in a dysfunctional family. My truth was this simple.
You are what you appear to be, not what you are.
Now I can see the price that I paid for these bogus payoffs. I gave up the most prescious gifts that I hadat the time: my presence, my now, my SELF.

Now I understand at the deepest level the price that I paid. Now I know these two simple truths:

I always did what I wanted to do, and GUILT SUCKS!

• 
• I will leave this coming Wednesday for San Antonio to attend the 75th aniversary of AA. Hope to help with siome Al-Anon workshops, attend many meeting ...

Ever heard of Herbal Cigarettes? Herbal Cigarettes, also called tobacco-free cigarettes, are today being marketed under various brands. Herbal Cigarettes are known to be free from tobacco and hence contain no nicotine. Each brand differs in the mixture of herbs used in the cigarettes. They are generally made of rolling papers and filters. Instead of tobacco, a mixture of consumable products is used. Herbs like corn-silk, rose petals, banana skins and more constitute the mixture. Flavorful herbs like mint, cinnamon and lemongrass are also used. These cigarettes are generally used as a substitute for the standard tobacco products and are also used as a Help to stop smoking . Most of the brands do not contain any psychoactive substances, while some do contain small quantities.

The advantages of herbal cigarettes are that they help body’s defense mechanism fight against diseases. They build up energy and rejuvenate the body. The herbal contents in the cigarette induce a feeling of well being and help concentrate. It also acts as a throat cleaner and enhances sonority in a singer’s voice. Being free from nicotine it doesn’t harm the human body like regular cigarettes do. It also doesn’t induce bad breath. In place of the nasty smell of smoke, it gives a pleasant smell of herbs.

Though these cigarettes are free from tobacco they are not completely risk free. Smoke of any kind is dangerous to the lungs. Some brands of herbal cigarettes are known to produce tar and carbon monoxide when burnt. Both these substances are dangerous to the human body.