Stop Helping Them To Death!

     Nothing changes until something changes. If one member of the family changes, that changes the whole family dynamic. As a practicing codependent you can make the changes necessary to allow the other (s) in your family suffering from addiction. The way you do this is; allow them to suffer!

     Stop the little things first. Stop picking up after them. Stop preparing lunches in advance if you are doing that and they could be doing that for themselves. Stop “taking up the slack” every time the addict does not fulfill his or her obligations to the family. Yes, you will catch some flack, and yes you will have to experience the discomfort of not having those chores completed. Everybody will. But do not allow the flack to pull you back into the helping role.

     Next, openly ask the addict for help with larger issues, such as managing the family finances, doing the “running around” to places like the laundry, the grocery store, the post office, and the bank. In my case, I picked up eight bounced checks one weekend after working out of town all week that my now X-wife had written. I then told her that I was never going to do that again, AND I DIDN’T!  Yes, it was a hard week after I opened a new checking account the following Monday morning in only my name, but she learned that I had set a boundary, and no matter how much screaming, silent treatment, dirty looks, or jawing she gave me, I would never spend another Saturday picking up her bounced checks!

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Just A Little Willingness

Despair is the basic "affect" of the newcomer to recovery. Affect is what psychologists and psychiatrists call the basic emotion projected by a person. By the time we finally "hit our bottom" as a result of the ravages of addiction we have truly surrendered. We have given up on other people, on ourselves, and even on a God of any kind!

Recovery, from day one, becomes a matter of possibility. Possibility is just a glimmer of light flickering through the ink-like darkness of our soul. During our first meeting we experience other people demonstrating that they too walked through that door at some point in the past, that they stayed and began their own recovery process, and that IT WORKED!

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WHO AND WHAT IS MYTHERAPYJOURNAL.COM ??? I would like to invite your patients and you to use MyTherapyJournal.com, the only therapy-oriented online journaling tool. You should consider this online service, as we continue to sign up new treatment centers who are providing this innovative service to their patients. I would like to share how the scientific proven benefits of journaling can be a great benefit to set you apart from other treatment centers, as well a provide an impactful tool to your patients/clients. PLEASE TAKE A TOUR AT: www.mytherapyjournal.com/take_a_tour 3 key benefits for patients: 1. My Journal Entries - Patients create their personal Journal and start writing daily feelings, thoughts, dreams and hopes in a customized and password-protected journal. 2. My Progress Questions and Progress Graph - Patients visualize their progress with a user-friendly, personalized graph and start tracking their journey. Patients select from pre-set progress questions relating to distinctive categories or simply create their own in collaboration with the therapist in less than 5 minutes. 3. Affordable and secure online service based on the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is revolutionizing therapy via the online medium. Awards to date: To date, MyTherapyJournal has won several entrepreneurial competitions and articles have been published in Forbes, Daily Business Review, Psychology Today, CNN, Miami Herald, and more. Additionally, the American Psychological Association (APA) gave permission for MyTherapyJournal to launch at their prestigious annual conference back in 2007. Members to date: Today, MyTherapyJournal counts over 2,500 members including therapists, clinics, treatment centers, soldiers, health organizations, and individuals seeking self-help. To name a few clients, MyTherapyJournal is the exclusive provider of online journaling for the Williamsville Wellness Center, non-gambler.com, among others. 3 distinctive ways to buy memberships: 1) Treatment Centers: You can provide the patient/client with a membership upon arrival. Upon completion of program patient/client has the option to extend membership at their own expense. Clinicians have been using this tool for keeping track of matters related to their sessions with patients as well. 2) Individual Membership purchased by Therapist for Patient/Client: You can buy individual memberships for patients/clients. You can offer this service as part of your consultancy fees and treatment costs. This option allows you to create a username and password for your patient/client and thus have full access. It also allows you to be able to use our tool during sessions from your own office. For some lower functioning clients or for people of lesser means, this would ensure that the value of our services would ensue. 3) Individual Membership purchased by Patient/Client: You can recommend to a patient/client to buy an individual membership on their own at standard membership pricing starting as low as $7.95 per month - At this point, a patient/client has the option to provide you with full access to their information or not. The patient/client can grant you full access by simply sharing his or her username and password with you, at which point you will be able to view and change anything you want (e.g. create a new category for the patient/client to track). Why Journal? The Science of Journaling Over the last 20 years, the journal has been empirically shown to make therapy more effective and to diminish symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress, and many other disorders, even for those who aren't seeing a mental health practitioner. Likewise, its demonstrated benefits include better physical health (i.e. blood pressure, immune functioning) and an overall improved mood. Why is My Therapy Journal .com the #1 Source for Online Journaling? MTJ is the first-ever, therapy-oriented online journaling tool. It provides the most private and secure venue available for both individuals and organizations who wish to not only journal, but also track progress of personally set goals using graphing software based on cognitive behavioral therapy. It presents you a journal that talks back and promises to aid anyone desiring to grow. What Are The Benefits of Journaling?: Journaling has been scientifically proven to provide a host of health benefits including: decreasing the symptoms of asthma, arthritis, and other health conditions; improving cognitive functioning; strengthening the immune system, preventing a host of illnesses; counteracting many of the negative effects of stress. Furthermore, anyone who journals will tell you that it "just feels good." I'll bet you write (or word process) daily. Journaling (or keeping letters or diaries) is an ancient tradition, one that dates back to at least 10th century Japan. Successful people throughout history have kept journals. Presidents have maintained them for posterity; other famous figures for their own purposes. Oscar Wilde, 19th century playwright, said: "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train." Who is Using Our Online Journaling and Progress Graph Tool? MTJ Is For... HEALTH PROVIDERS: Treatment Centers = Some of these include university and college psychological centers of both large and small institutions. Centers dedicated to specific populations such as people with HIV+ and AIDS, people with disabilities, LGTBQ individuals, survivors of trauma or abuse, and/or members of AA, NA, Al-Anon, Alateen, etc. Hospitals and Health Clinics = Some of these include clinics for people recovering from an addiction such as heroine, alcohol, gambling, sex, or even overspending. Hospital departments dealing with everything from trauma, chronic illness, and chronic pain to treatment adherence, post-operation recovery, and grief due to loss of a loved one. Insurance Organizations = Insurance companies utilize our tool as part of health packages. These sometimes accompany treatment with mental health or medical professionals, and sometimes they don't. It also helps clients keep track of how effective different treatments have been over a long period of time. Mental Health Providers = Both the journaling and progress tracking components of MTJ are invaluable tools for mental health providers. It not only allows for the provider to have observable results of the treatment at hand, but it also allows the treatment to remain ongoing through the week, even in the provider's absence. Psychodynamically-oriented therapists use MTJ for the journaling component of it whereas CBT-oriented therapists use it for the progress tracking graph. Psychiatrists use it to help clients track symptoms and how certain medications might be affection these. Life coaches appear to utilize both the journaling and graphing components with their clients. Family and couple therapists also do this, and find themselves tailoring the graphing questions so that all members in the family track the same behavior and/or emotion simultaneously. Military = The number of American and Canadian troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan is enormous, and the population of them with PTSD is as well. Both the journaling's ability to allow for clients to create chronological narratives of their experience and the emotions associated with them, and the progress graph's ability to have them observe themselves objectively, prove to be invaluable components of treatment and re-adjustment into civilian life. Health Research Institutions = Pharmaceutical companies aiming at having their medications tested by human participants use MTJ as a simple, and cost-effective way of tracking the results of their medication on any target symptom or population. Data is collected by each participant's self-report and is delivered already graphed and mapped out chronologically. Participants also use the other benefits of MTJ and feel empowered by their ability to track their own reactions to the new medication. INDIVIDUALS: One group of people who are using MTJ are individuals who simply love journaling and having their journals communicate with them. Adolescents, college students, stay-home parents, young professionals, insightful adults, and techno-savvy grandparents. Basically, anyone who is self-curious, who feels relief in expressing themselves through writing, and/or who enjoys seeing concrete evidence of their progress via our Progress Graph. Another group of people are those undergoing painful, confusing, difficult, and/or daunting times in their lives. It also for people living with the reality of having emotional, physical, mental, and/or cognitive difficulties. This is everyone who suffers from depression, anxiety, panic, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress, obsessive-compulsions, mania, panic, and/or who has symptoms of any mental disorder. Some of these individuals are receiving some service from a mental health provider, and some are not. For some people, MTJ compliments their work with a professional, and for others, seeking professional help is something they are not at all interested in. Finally, another group of individuals are those who fall in both the above groups, in some way or another. We believe most of our clients are in this third group. Life is usually ever-changing, and our states of being are too. Anyone who is uncomfortable with the idea that a written journal might be ever found by their parents, siblings, housemates, roommates, boyfriend/girlfriend, colleges or strangers. About the Team: Alexis Saccoman - Chief Psychology Consultant and Co-founder A graduate of Brown University, Alexis is a clinical psychology trainee pursuing a doctorate in clinical psychology (Psy.D.) at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco. Alexis has a Masters degree in clinical psychology and holds a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. Through his professional and volunteer activities, he has clinical and hospital experience working with groups including adolescents and geriatric inpatients, children with pervasive developmental disorders, HIV+ terminal patients, first-year college students, and families. He has also served as a trilingual medical interpreter and court mediator. He is currently in practicum with a caseload of ten clients (ages 18-50) - all endorsing Axis I diagnoses - of diverse ethnic, S.E.S., and LGTB backgrounds. With his dual passion for psychology and facilitating people's potential for growth, he especially enjoys his role as a mentor to younger generations. Rodolfo Saccoman - CEO and Co-founder A graduate of the Cornell University School of Hotel Administration, with an MBA degree from University of Miami. Rodolfo has dedicated his career at understanding people's dreams and developing proven online presences to embrace user's needs and wants. Like his brother Alexis, he has lived in five countries and developed a keen appreciation and respect for different cultures and human kind's search for peace and compassion. Both brothers recognize the importance and potential of communication in helping people attain their goals and live happier lives. Noel Elman - Chief Scientist and Co-founder Currently pursuing post-doctoral studies at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology), Noel earned a Bachelor of Science and Master's of Science in electrical engineering at Cornell University and has a Ph.D. from Tel Aviv University. His research focuses on the development of implantable Bio-MOEMS (Biological and Micro-Opto-Electro-Mechanical-Systems) devices for drug-delivery systems and cancer monitoring. A scientist, he is also a fervent believer in exploring your inner-self to achieve well-being. I CAN OFFER YOU SPECIALS BESIDES WHAT IS ON THE WEBSITE! ASK ME HOW!?! For any and all questions please contact me at: Tim Nicola Sales Manager MyTherapyJournal.com Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it Direct: 561-860-3073

 

 

How the Medical Profession Handles Alcoholism.

by Ken P., Bob T., and Scott B.

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  People living by the 12-step life-style recognize that our fifth step is one of the most powerful tools for recovery. It reads;

"We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

Just as a review for you non-steppers, by the time we reach this step we have already admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, made the decision to turn our life and our will over to that power, and meticulously written out a thorough inventory of both our faults and our assets.

   I always tell my sponsees who are having trouble starting their fifth step that there must be at least one of the entities in this step that you do not trust yet...either God, yourself, or another human being. Once you figure out which you don't trust and ask God to put that trust back in you, then you can take this step.

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 Alone With You Sittin' Right Next To Me.copyright 1989, Ken P.My sponsor is working hard to expand me beyond the life I live now, which is almost exclusively "in my head." He tells me that I must transcend the barriers erected within me by decades of faulty programming for an American male and access the feeling part of me. In his words, "Ken, you can do all of the thinking you want, but until you start doing some feeling, you are limited. This is because it is the feeling part of you that 'drives your bus.'"    OK. I've written over 40 posts in this blog site using almost entirely my head, so it is time to step out and make a sunstantial personal gamble. I did learn one acceptable means of expressing feelings as I grew up from the members of my nuclear family, and that was through music. Yes, we had alcoholism rampant throughout the family...even right down the street, and for literally generations back. But we still had our music. Almost every Sunday after church we would gather at somebody's house with guitars, fiddles, harmonicas, pianos, and some of the most incredible vocal harmony among cousins I have ever heard. Hank Williams' latest hit might be attempted bracketed by Amazing Grace and The Old Rugged Cross.  In truth, not a one of us could read a note of music. We considered people who had to have their music handicapped!   Through our music, in spite of everything, we showed each other that we all loved each other.   Since those early years, I've learned that music touches me, and others, sometimes at a deeper level than words. I've studied music now formally, played it on various instruments, and written it  for years. This work has rendered me capable of expressing feelings using the combination of composed music with lyrics (i.e., a song). Hey, it's better than not expressing them at all, and you don't have to shed all of those messy tears!   In 1989 I wrote the song that I am attaching to this post to describe the feelings I remembered as I sat in the livingroom next to my now X-wife, who had been drinking since about 3:00 that afternoon. In other words, I was totally alone.     In 1989, I still had fear of being discovered as a codependent man, so, in order to remain totally anonymous, I wrote the song as a female vocal.   I had the song recorded by Larry Beaird. Larry was and is an incredible musicians and man. He now operates what I believe is the best demo studio in Nashville. Since that time, I have grown to accept my codependency, and to realize that loneliness is loneliness, whether your name is Ken or Katie!   I'll include the lyics of the song here in case you cannot play the music for technical reasons and wish to view the piece as merely a poem. The song is now available through You-Tunes under my site (TexasKenP). You might want to download the digital music file and to read the lyrics as you listen to the country musc; that might make the song even more meaningful. I hope you enjoy my work, and feel free to pass it to anybody "out there" who it might touch.  Alone With You Sittin' Right Next To MeCopyright 1989, Ken P. Life was sweet, when I thought I had some-one.We were young, and you thought I hung the sun.But now we're home a-lone, you're on the phone,or watchin' no-thin', on TV.I'm Alone With You Sittin' Right Next To Me! (musical interlude) Ev-en when you're there, you're not there,You sit and stare right through me.Or you're pourin' down booze, you seem to choose,Any-thing to set you free Ev-en when we're lyin' face to face,You're not here in-side my space,I'm Alone With You Sinnin' Right Next To Me! (musical interlude) Ev-en when we're lyin' face to face,You're not here in-side my space,I'm A-lone With You Sittin' Right Next To Me! Time's run out, it's sad for us to pre-tend.IT'S MY LIFE! I'm sayin,'Let's let us end. There were no guar-an-tees, the used-to be'sAre not enough. I set you free, 'causeI'm Alone With You Sittin Right Next To Me! Af-ter years of pain, 'yea it's a shame,I have to cut my losses and run.Don't ask me to stay, each prescious day,I could be havin' fun, So you'll have to find you some-one else,or just sit here by your-self. I won't be A-lone With You Sittin' Right Next To me. You'll have to find you some-one else,I re-fuse to DIE HERE on your shelf,I won't be A-lone With You Sittin Right Next To Me.I won't be A-lone With You Sittin' Right Next To me! P. S. If you have a second cousin who knows an artist like Dolly Parton (or maybe even Eric Clampton), please pass this music and the next 20 songs that I embed through my blog. If they record the material and we make a few bucks, we'll spend them on building a decent half-way house here in our county! Take care, Ken P.   

 

We Codependent Men, We Mute Coyotes

 

By Ken P.

 

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   Many of the men I have sponsored in Al-Anon have funny "war stories" about bungling attempts made by the medical profession while trying to deal with the lady alcoholics in our lives. The trick, from the gentleman physician's point of view, is how to treat the related health problems, keep her alive and coming back as a customer, and never actually identify

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