There are various ways to gain respect. The most difficult is to use the personal discipline to grow first on an individual basis (by maturing in areas such as self control, patience, etc.) and then to go out and lead a fruitful life.

   Another way is to intimidate, fight, and bluster at other people. This method makes the incorrect basic assumptionthat respect and fear are synonymous.

   Unfortunately, addiction is progressive. That is, it starts at a seemingly innocent level and then slowly grows until it takes the addicted person's everything, including their body, mind, soul, bank account, relationships, career...and respect. Psychologists studying the members of families suffering from addiction cannot pinpoint the exact point when true respect is replaced by false bluster, but they know that it eventually happens. The addicted person has to become a bully because he or she senses the loss of their genuine respect from others (and even themselves) in time to their disease. Unfortunately, the other members of the family, being human beings themselves, respond to the abusive bluster in various predictable ways. 

   A common response for a man is to answer in kind. How many times have I encountered terribly successful men in their careers who go home and react like irresponsible teenaged boys when forced to interact with an abusive addicted teenaged child or wife? He may be the beloved senior manager at the office, but, like Rodney Dangerfield, he "gets no respect" at home! The children witness the disrespect shown by the addicted wife, for example, and then they begin losing respect for both parents. In order to survive, since loud profane abusive behavior seems to work so well for the parents, the children sometimes join in the fray.  At this point, the family members are no longer members of a family. They each devolve into an individual organism trying his or her best to survive in a threatening environment.

   We have many tools to reverse this downward spiral, but none of us is strong enough to reverse what took years to develop. We need the daily support of others who have experienced recovery. For me, as a corporate man who lived out this whole scenario, it took many meetings and sponsors, but by the grace of God I was healed by those tools and the Al-Anons who taught me how to use them.

 If those of you reading this can relate, or know of a family with an addiction in their home where this process is taking place, please direct them to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for help. It is available every day at meeting throughout the world!

Al-Anon is at 1-888-4Al-ANON or www.al-anon.alateen.org