Why Can't Guys Trust God?

 

Step three in every 12-step program reads: “made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God.”

 

     The title for this post really admonishes men to do what for most men is impossible...to trust a power beyond themselves. Two words: "trust God," are actually an elegant summary of the first three steps of AA or Al-Anon. After the agony of the diseases of addiction and codependency force we addicts and codependents to take step one admitting our powerlessness, and after we accept the difficult terms of the second step (coming to believe that  a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity), then we are ready to “bring it on home” with step three. 

 

     It has often been said that the 12-steps of recovery are simple, but difficult to do. Step three illustrates this principle in spades. For men, the third step is especially difficult because we are men. We were born male into a culture that in many cases imposed prerequisites upon our manhood that are almost impossible to meet. For example, as grown men we are expected to know how things work. This does not just include mechanical things. We are expected to answer questions about how people and the world operate. We are expected to have answers. Because of this, not knowing is difficult for men. When we don’t know something, we consider that our very masculinity is in question.

 

     Looking deeper, what happens when we men come up with an answer and then are told by an abusive addicted loved one that we are wrong? Being right is terribly important to every man, but especially a codependent man who has many issues about self esteem. Such a man is geared to respond to any difference of opinion by taking a stand and defending that stand “to the end.” Given this attitude, he is really in an impossible position when facing conflict with an addicted loved one. Here is why. Addicted people are hurting people. They are not therefore by nature flexible, especially when it comes to any change in their circumstances. If that change threatens the addict’s access to their favorite addictive substance, then the intense need for the substance will redouble the opposition to anything negative anybody says about their addiction. For example, what follows the words “…why do you have to drink so much?” from a codependent husband to an addicted wife? The answer is simple. Those words are a prelude to out and out warfare! So this is the typical impasse; the insecure man who has a huge personal investment in being right is squared off against the addicted loved one who equates losing her addictive substance with death.

 

     Before recovery, back in the mute coyote days, the solution to any problem we men faced was to think the problem through and then correct the problem exercising our intellect and our sheer will. We knew that we could change our economic status, our level of education, other people’s reactions to us, even the shapes of our bodies using these powerful forces. We knew this because we had solved many problems in our pasts using this system. It worked. However, intrinsic to this system was the need to constantly pass judgment. How can you know that your will (i.e., all of that effort) works unless you compare the way things were before to the way things are after you have exercised it? Therefore, when we come to step three, a common approach for we codependent men is to revert back to that tried and true combination of intellect and self will to “make it happen.”

 

                                                          “Hey, I can do this.”

 

     This is why step three is so difficult. The very essence of the step is to turn our wills over to God. The word I in the sentence above is the crux of the problem. After we begin recovery, we begin attending these meetings. Here we are helped by others who have taken this step. Here we are confronted with the simple truth that this is not a self-help program. This is a surrender program. This is a program that requires us to do what we can to make the internal preparation, but in the third step we have to leave the outcome to a source that is beyond our intellect and will. That source may use methods that we do not enjoy. That source might use methods that are even beyond our own imaginations. We cannot fix this by just getting a bigger hammer.  This step cannot be forced.

 

     But how do we know that real recovery is happening through our Higher Power, and not, maybe even through some unconscious level, through those old devices that are so familiar? The following is a three question system that I have developed to answer this question.

 

“Was it God’s will or was it mine?”

 

 

“First, when God is doing something, I am surprised by both the process involved and the outcome. If God accomplishes something by means that are outside of my imagination then I know that my will was not involved.”

 

“Second, if the outcome is far better than what I had originally tried to accomplish. So many times in my life I have been amazed in retrospect to see where God had actually done for me far more than what I had anticipated when I asked for help.”

 

“Third, if nobody is harmed in the process. This is the criteria that will likely be contested by others. Yes, I know that sometimes God accomplishes His purposes and people appear to be harmed in the process. All I am saying here is that in my experience, when the effects of the event are ultimately known, everyone is blessed when it was God’s will. What may appear to be harm to a person may actually be the best possible outcome for that person. For example, nobody enjoys being chastised, but if you see chastisement more as a pruning process, then you might see where chastisement in the end is a blessing.”

 

“Here is an example that applies to your codependency. If you learn about and grow past your enabling behavior then your addicted loved-one is likely to experience some pain brought about by their behavior. That pain might be the only way that God can get their attention. That pain may eventually lead to the addict’s reaching a bottom. That pain may be the best possible mechanism to drive the addict towards recovery.”

 

   If you are interested in beginning the journey of recovery there are easily located resources right in your community. If you are addicted to alcohol, contact AA. If Drugs are the problem, Narcotics Anonymous uses the same 12-steaps. If someone you care about is an alcoholic, then Al-Anon is for you, and Nar-Anon is a similar program for the friends and relatives of addicts. All of these programs have great web sites, but here is the information to reach Al-Anon: call 1-800-4AL-ANON to locate a meeting near you, or click on www.al-anon.alateen.org

 

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Why It Is So Hard For Men To Take Step Two    

Men have so many problems accepting the second step that it is often the point where men abandon their recovery program after making whatever excuse feels best to them at the moment. In a word, a man sometimes does what he wants to do and calls it by whatever sounds best. The two elements that work to make taking step two so difficult for a man involve his having to let go of his pride…his infamous “male ego.”

 

     The first element for many men facing step two is trouble with the concept of a Higher Power.  This can stem from a man having trouble with letting go of the idea that he has to handle everything himself. As we saw in an earlier post, for men born during World War II who were imbued with what some now call “The John Wayne syndrome,” we are men who see ourselves as totally self-sufficient creatures who never have to ask for help. So basically, we cannot accept step two because we have yet to fully take step one!

 

     Also, maybe our concept of a higher power is shadowed by our concept of a God, and too often that God is not well defined. We may openly consider ourselves agnostic or even atheistic. This can stem from a basic problem with accepting authority. For example, almost every man I ever met had serious issues with the authoritarianism his father demonstrated throughout his childhood, and yet many religions depict God as a father!

 

     “Hey, ‘aint nobody gonna tell me what I can and cannot do!”

 

     One solution early in the recovery process to this God question for you the reader may be to take a post-modern point of view and just define your higher power yourself, disregarding dogma from any organized religious group. This was the solution taken by the alcoholics who started AA in the first place. They found “higher power” so much more palatable than GOD. Here again, the hurdles may be enormous. Those of us raised with strong Christian backgrounds spent hour upon hour in church being told that Jesus was the only way. Ironically enough, all 12-step programs owe their origins to a Christian revival movement from the mid 1930’s called the Oxford Group. But when you have finally been forced to surrender to the ravages of another’s addiction and reached out for help, you usually do not first take the scholar’s approach and do an in-depth study of the origins of the belief-system that seems to be working so well for so many people who you actually know. A man hanging by his fingertips by a scraggly branch sticking out of the side of a cliff 300 feet above a rocky shoreline will probably not ask for the name of the manufacturer of the rope you toss him!

 

     So it can first be the 12-step program itself that becomes your Higher Power. After all, like the rope, it is there, it is desperately needed, and it works. Maybe after attending a few meetings your Higher Power will be narrowed to only include your “home group,” the weekly meeting where you have grown to feel comfortable enough to share in public and listen in a genuinely present fashion to others who have been helped so much in their recovery. Maybe the next step is to accept the fact that you are not the center of the universe, that you cannot possible know everything, and that there are other people who can help you because their understanding of this baffling constellation of diseases is beyond that of your own.

     For those of us who are “already there” this is the point where our personal pain has rendered us “teachable.” It might also be the point where we come to realize that there is a single person we trust who has already taken all 12 steps, and who has a new life-style that we emulate. In other words, we “want what he has.” With enough pain to render us teachable and enough humility to take the risk, we may ask this man to be our sponsor. This man can even temporarily be our “higher power,” but if he is truly living the 12-step way then he will quickly tell us that he has his own shortcomings, that he is also a work in progress, and that he does not have the wisdom to be anybody else’s HP.

 

     When a man finally overcomes this first hurdle, this step presents him with another. This involves the words “…restore us to sanity.” Here is how this works. We men are notorious for constantly “living in our heads.” Various studies have shown that we are collectively far more often left-brained than right as compared to women. Put another way, there is still controversy over how much impact on behavior the genes that happen to be on the Y chromosome have, but there is no controversy over the disparity between the sexes in terms of how they are nurtured after the age of about five (see Daniel Goleman’s works on social capitol). Early in our lives we males are rewarded for being problem solvers and for being able to rule our emotions with our intellect. Then, after our childhoods solidify the rules of proper conduct for a man we go out into the world and learn from experience that our early programming actually “works.” Imagine the skepticism of a successful man when, after a lifetime of having succeeded by relying “on his wits” he is asked to accept the premise that he has up until now been insane!

 

     Step two, like step one, involves a life-long process where we revisit these steps time and again, each time with an even deeper understanding of ourselves, our circumstances, and our spiritual natures. Probably the greatest comfort for those of us when we take this step for the first time is the deeply comforting realization that we are no longer alone. No matter how narrowly defined our higher power, for the first time there is another entity to which we can turn with our pain. For the first time, we are not the mute coyote. We may not be able to howl yet, but we can at least abandon our silence, peak over our innermost wall, and whimper “…is there anybody out there?”

 

 

 

 

 

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Why is it that alcohol and drug addicted family systems create adults who are addicted to crisis? I see this pattern year after year as a sponsor and a regular attendee of meetings. Here are some of my thoughts as to why followed by what I have learned are soun solutions to the problem.

1. We come into the world often in crisis because alcoholism and drug addiction tends to "run in families." Infidelity, out-or-wedlock births, single parenthood, poverty, ignorance, incarceration, and premature deaths all around us throughout childhood; these are commonplace where there is active addiction. Why shouldn't we expect crisis in this life? It is all we have really ever known!

 2. Habits will not break without immense effort. Try to do anything in a different way and see how that feels emotionally. Just crossing your arms differently is uncomfortable. Codependency, enabling, and a host of our own addictiver behaviors all serve to buffer us from orininal thinking. Habit is just easier on a moment to moment basis, so we tend to rely too heavily upon it.

 3. Boredom comes easily to we who are addicted to crisis. Crisis is interesting to us, because at least something is happening. Besides, distraction from reality is always a big plus for members of dysfunction addicted families because reality is often not that much fun!

Now, let's move forward and explore some solutions to this problem.

1. When we work the steps and find out about who we really are we find that we are interesting people. The need for distraction through crisis diminishes because we enjoy being in our own heads now where our thought life is a much more comfortable place to be than it was before recovery.

2. As we grow in this program our lives become more honest and real. The fantasy life is gradually replaced by the real life. Crisis is, again, no longer as necessary.

3. In time, as we mature, there are fewer crisis actually occurring. Better decisions, new playmates, new spouses, healthier friends, etc. lead to fewer incidents where the police and court systems are involved. This same process begins to slowly correct the financial crisis that leads to so many other crisis. If you have a comfortable savings account and no debt, then the dryer going out is not so much of a crisis!

If you relate to any of these thoughts, then you may be addicted to crisis. There is help. There is an easier, more effective and peaceful way to live. Please, reach out and ask for help. Call Al-Anon if you are being forced to live with crisis by someone else's addiction to alcohol or drugs. If you yourself are the addict, then call AA, NA, or find recovery through whatever means works for you.  Here are some great places to start: Call Al-Anon at 1-800-4AL-ANON or access their excellent web site www.al-anon.alateen.org

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Self Care by Carrie B. Self Care We in Alanon hear this all the time - "Take care of you first." What in the world does this mean? For some, it can mean going to the gym several times a week, getting a massage, a night out without the kids, reading a good book, watching a favorite television show, or it can be something else. For me, self care is more emotional than an actual act of doing something. I can stop and say, "I dont need to think about that right now. How important is this right now?" Or it can simply be not taking on someone else's problem. If the alcoholic or addict is upset about something, that is not my problem to take on in my life. He or she has a higher power that they can turn to when in need of guidance or direction. I can simply say to him or her, "That does sound like a problem." and know that I validated them, but I did not take on the problem as my own. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves time for emotional self care. If we dont then our brains get clouded because we have taken on too much and the end result might just be the return of insanity on our part. Carrie B.

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Powerlessness is Being Forced Upon the American Public. by Ken P. We 12-steppers have long ago recognized and accepted our powerlessness over "...people, places and things." But my guess is that the current economic situation is bringing the general public to the same conclusion, only from a different direction. Actually, there are some profound dimilarities between what has become "the botom" for the alcoholic/addict, and the botom for the public. Both bottoms came about because of an out-of-control addiction! Addiction is obvious when it is to a substance ingested, but it is not so obvious when it is to something as deceptively non-invasive as debt and credit. We all know that job losses, marital discord, and physical illness are typical "bottoms" reached in families sufferring from the twin diseases of addiction and codependency. Addiction to debt and credit can come to the same outcomes. Also,economic insecurity is a catalyst that facilitates people reaching their bottoms at a higher rate. Sociologists tell us that during times of economic deprivation the rate of alcohol and drug addiction actually INCREASES. Along these lines, I have noticed an upturn in attendance at established Al-Anon and AA meetings of late, with more open discussion meeting time being devoted to fear of economic insecurity. However, private treatment centers are experiencing deep financial crisis. Many are simply closing their doors. This makes me opine that people seeking help will be discovering free public meetings at greater frequency as household budgets tighten. Maybe we need some 12-step programs for individuals addicted to debt and credit. If you are reading this, and you have this addiction, you might seriously consider starting such a program. In the meantime, if your situation is exacerbated by better known addiction-processes such as addiction to alcohol or codependency, then there is help available right now. So, if you are reading this blog for the first time and are unfamiliar with 12-step programs, please, allow me to encourage you to call the numbers below and/or access the websites for the various 12-step programs. They are easier than ever to find now, plentiful, and FREE! Al-Anon, for families of alcoholics, is at 1-888-4-AL-ANON, or just check out www.al-anon.alateen.org.

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THE BEST KEPT SECRET

 

EAI recently launched its 2009 marketing campaign “The Best Kept Secret”, which focuses on reeducating the public as to the services, personnel and recovery community that exists here.  “The myth that EAI is a halfway house of homeless people couldn’t be farther from the truth,” states CEO & Chief Clinical Officer Keith Liles.  “It is important that people know of the changes over the past 24 months, and that at EAI, there is a vibrant supportive residential treatment program featuring customized care, a staff of high achievers and impassioned care giving, and, a commitment to continuous improvement of campus facilities.”

 

Our Internal Marketing team has just produced a promotional video that combines staff and former client testimonies with a virtual tour, as well as redesigning the interactive website. Take a moment and visit www.extended-aftercare.com  to view the video.  Our External Business Development Team is hosting bi-weekly professional breakfasts on campus for private practitioners, treatment centers, EAPs, and other existing funding sources so they can see first hand what the buzz is all about.

 

To further support our mission, we needed to resurrect the once-prominent recovery campus that EAI was for Houston’s recovering community.  Ten to fifteen years ago, EAI was the hub, the center of all recovery in Houston. If people needed 12-step meetings, sober activities, healthy clients to visit with, they gravitated to EAI.  The 12-step meetings were standing room only.  The recreation events were so crowded people were turned away.  Today, with the support of our amazing tenured Alumni Association, we are recreating that burning spirit of recovery all around our campus through the expansion of sober socialization events.  Additionally, we have drastically increased our involvement with the Sober Recreation Committee, revamped and increased the number of onsite 12-step meetings to reach out to greater numbers, and solicited collaborative agreements with some of Houston’s most prominent treatment organizations, such as The Right Step, Santa Maria Hostel, and The Council on Alcohol and Drugs Houston.

 

ADOPT A STREET

 

Extended Aftercare’s administrative offices are located on the corner of North Shepherd and Delz Street.  This past month, EAI decided to “adopt” Delz, a half-mile strip which runs through the main campus and adjacent neighborhoods from Shepherd to Yale.  Armed with shovels, pokers, and contractor bags, client and alumni volunteers combed the street, removing all litter and debris in their path.

 

“I have a lot of gratitude these days.  Being able to give back, to beautify this street with no expectation of reward or validation, but just to do it because I know it’s the right thing – this is what service is all about,” muses Don B., EAI alumnus.  “I can’t help but see the metaphor here in ‘keeping my side of the street clean’.”   

 

A FRIEND IN NEED

 

The greatest thing about Houston’s recovering community is that you can count on people coming to the rescue when needed.  After a recent fire at Santa Maria Hostel, which caused many female clients and their children to be displaced, Extended Aftercare put together Care Baskets, which included clothing, bedding, personal hygiene items and baby materials.    

 

“A great big thanks for EAI's donation.  We have so many that were not able to retrieve any of their belongings.  This will really come in handy for them.  We are so filled with gratitude for this.  I can’t thank you enough,” noted Kay Austin, CEO of Santa Maria Hostel.

 

ALUMNUS TAKES RECOVERY ON THE ROAD

 

Extended Aftercare alumnus Russell P. is well-known in the Houston recovery community, leading meetings in The Heights, at the Turning Point Homeless Shelter, and at EAI.  But he is also known for taking his message of experience, strength and hope on the road.

 

Russ has implemented a new recovery concept at EAI, taking fellow Alumni and sober friends to AA groups out of town such as the “Good for Nothing” in Dickinson and the “New Freedom Motorcycle Group” in Santa Fe.  They recently traveled to the Bay Area for an AA benefit, and most recently made two trips to Bolivar to help that community rebuild their 12-step meeting hall that was damaged in Hurricane Ike.

 

“The Bolivar Peninsula Group is the only meeting in that area, and they really got hit hard by the hurricane,” explains Russ.  “About twelve of us decided it was the right thing to go down there and see what kind of help they needed.”

 

And help they did.  Not only did these men supply 12-step literature and a new coffee pot to the group, they also spent a day priming and painting the devastated facility.  Additionally, Russ and friends raised funds upon their return back to town, and were able to deliver a nice monetary donation to Bolivar.   

 

Please feel free to contact me!

 

J. Andrew Lee/Internal Marketing & Public Relations

Andrew@extended-aftercare.com

www.extended-aftercare.com

713.695.8403/866.912.0315

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 What Can You Do To Help Your Addicted Child?

by Scott B.

     Prior to making any hasty decisions after learning your child is addicted, it would be beneficial to remember that we are ill equipped to deal with numerous issues that are involved in addiction.  You need to get your child help either through a 12 step support group, professional addiction counselor or both.  Along with your child's recovery, you need to seek assistance in dealing with the pain, uncertainty, fear and insanity that are normal for parents of addicted children.  The first healthy thought you should engage is that you did not cause the addiction, you can't cure the addiction and you can't control the addiction.

     Some specific things you can do:

1.         Focus on creating a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home.  Resist the urge to yell by focusing on saying what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean.

2.         Focus on you and not your child.  Your and hisor her recovery will be better.  Only seek to control yourself rather than your child.

3.         It is important for both parents to work together by setting boundaries that define what will and will not be allowed in your home along with the consequences of behavior that is not allowed.

4.         Be patient and don't resent the method of recovery.  Recovery of the addict may or may not materialize and chances are that if recovery does occur it will not be a result of what you did rather it will be the result of another addict doing 12 step work in carrying the message of experience, strength and hope to fellow addicts.

5.         Keep a sense of humor and gratitude.  These help when dealing with crisis.

6.         Remember that your child has a higher power.  Fortunately, you are not it because you are powerless over the disease of addiction.  This frees you up to focus on you and your recovery.

7.         Maintain hope that things can get better.  This hope will keep you sane and help you with your responsibilities.

8.         Do attend a 12 step recovery program for co-dependents and do get a sponsor.  You will find out that you are not alone and that there is help.

     Okay, so this is not the way you thought the family history would unfold when your child was born. Resentment, shame and anger are probably consuming your thoughts when you see your child.  By following the steps outlined above, however, and making a commitment to the recovery process for yourself, you will find serenity, joy and freedom whether your child's addiction continues or not. Often, the child also gets into recovery after they see the changes in your behavior.  Addiction resulting in recovery may be the impetus to get your life restarted and refocused on the things that truly matter such as service to others, compassion, acceptance and honesty.

Reach out to recovery in Al-Anon by accessing these resources to locate a meeting and learn more: www.al-anon,alateen.org, 1-888-4AL-ANON

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 Fun Ways To Die of Alcoholism

Disclaimer; do not read this if you are heavily into denial about your own drinking or that of somebody you love. PLEASE do not read this if you are in the later stages of alcoholism

Wet Brain.  Alcohol "works" by tying up the receptors on each brain cell (neuron) where oxygen attaches. It is the death of thousands of neurons due to oxygen deprivation that causes the feelings associated with being "high," or drunk. Eventually, after years of drinking, the fluids from the ruptured neurons accumulate in the skull, and chunks of brain tissue break loose and float to the top of the skull. Hey, are we having fun yet?

Cirrhosis of the  liver. This is a condition where the liver is reduced to a mass of scar tissue after years of drinking. Anytime a person drinks more than about an ounce of alcohol per hour, they are exceeding the rate at which the liver can metabolize alcohol. The liver responds by creating a "vacuole," a tiny lesion within its own tissue to store the alcohol until the person stops drinking. Then the liver can metabolize the "poison" at its leisure (i.e., during the hangover). Unfortunately, every such episode results in a tiny hairline scar when the liver tissue eventually heals. When this happens, the ability to clot blood is lost, and there is a messy death with gallons of blood all over the operating room floor and walls. Hey, it doesn't get any better that that!

D.T's. Delirium Tremens. This is a condition seen often in hospital emergency rooms. When an alcoholic has been deprived of alcohol for an extended period of hours or days after years of heavy drinking, the body reacts by stiffening and going into a kind of seizure. The patient can easily be injured, as the DT's, when experienced in a chair or wheelchair, can cause the patient to turn the chair over backwards with the patient's heading hitting the floor, which in an ER is usually concrete or hard tile. Standard treatment for the DT's is to give the patient a stiff drink! And the party just goes on and on.

...but eventually, THE PARTY ENDS.

   If you are really tired of the party there is hope. 12-step programs have the highest success rate for at least arresting the diseases of addiction and codependency. AA is easy to locate if your have surrendered. It is in the beginning of every phone book and AA has a fantastic web site. As for you enablers (like me), there is also help. Please, stop being part of the party. Call Al-Anon at 1-888-4AL-ANON or check out www.al-anon.alateen.org and find a meeting where others can love you back to sanity.

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The Power Behind Honesty

 

     Someone told me today that they cannot believe the strength I have lived-not shown but lived- over the past year. This same friend said that I am doing my life and this divorce my way. That is something that was swallowed up in my husband's addiction. Living in and with the addiction can cause the person who loves them, to totally loose who they are or the addiction will try to redefine things/life on the addictions terms, not on the loved one's terms. So this has been a year long process for me to discover and venture out into finding who I am as a person. This has been a process that I hated taking and it hurt beyond anything I have ever experienced because God trusted me more than I trusted Him or myself

     It stinks being a single mom, but the alternative left me drowning. In a huge way Al-anon has helped me find my own life on my own terms and then define it with strength. It taught me to live life with no regrets and to end each day taking comfort in that fact.

     I have found a freedom in being honest which is something that I never believed in because the truth hurt too much and it was unbelievable. I have found it takes more character to say you can't do something than to say you can, and half the character to give it half of your effort. It is so deeply sad to see how this one chemical can take over a man who was truly dedicated to our family and the marriage-in the beginning anyway.

     This is a generational thing for both of us.  If I am to be honest, it is just not him. Patterns emerge when it comes to alcoholism that can surface without anyone taking a drink. For my husband too much hurt happened to him. Tack on an extremely codependent mom and classic enabler, an alcoholic father who died too young of cancer, his wonderful grandmother's death, and two more family members deaths and voila! You have person in crisis who has only seen alcohol as a solution.  Alcoholism is just second nature from a generational point of view for him. All of the men drink in each generation and at some point someone in each generation is arrested for issues surrounding the consumption of alcohol.  My husband fulfilled that prophecy. This is where I had to intervene in the name of my children.

     So this has become a time for me to be honest with myself and see that my issues surrounding my alcoholic father were worming their way into my life. I had to stop the process and change the rapid rate of infection into my children, hence getting out of the marriage before resentment on both our parts, fed its way into their young lives. This is how I am doing life on my terms with God's direction and guidance. This is how recovery for me, became my top priority.

     It is so sad that he cannot see this infection of the soul because all he knows is surface, a kind of "not digging deep" and seeing how he can discover the courage to change. I know this is difficult for men, but at the same time he lived and evolved around "surface" and not what was below - where the true sobriety and healing could begin. This is not the best combo for a marriage but one that can be worked through without the influence of alcohol. That was the one thing he was not willing to remove because then things would be real, raw, and uncomfortable.  Alcoholism for him created a comfort zone that allowed him to be numb to the issues that could be corrected and lived triumphantly with a sense of accomplishment leading to honesty.

     I am not anything alone. I have countless people whom I call upon for help daily. My mom tried her best to raise my younger brother and me on her own. She did a pretty good job, but the one thing I needed as a child was help. For me, I want to make sure my children know that asking for help is something you need to survive in life and  not wait until you are swallowed up to start asking for something that can save your life.

     I have not made it to this point without countless hours of asking why, crying, dying, grieving, anger (oh dear God the anger) and eventually learning to live again through God, prayer, intense therapy, Alanon, honesty, asking for help, friends, family, and letting go of selfish control. I must add for honestly sake, that I am not perfect or without fault. Many attempts to acknowledge and make amends were taken, but sometimes, things evolve to where it cannot be salvaged. I know there were errors on my part. But it does take willingness on both sides to come to an agreement. To some, that agreement should look like togetherness, but to others, it can be deciding that being friends with a mutual vested interest is right and best in the end. This is the power behind personal recovery and the many gifts of Al-Anon.

 

Carrie B.

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